2010: A Look Back at The Earth-Toned Year That Could

What a year 2010 was in Reston! Starting with Dear Leader gaining gang colors and ending with a defining cultural event, there wasn't a dull moment. Okay, there were quite a few dull moments, but some semi-interesting stuff actually happened. Let's reminisce, shall we?

We had an earthquake! And strong wind! And a bit of snow! And controversy about snow, and elections, that we somehow got dragged into.

Meanwhile, with projections suggesting that Reston could triple in size as the Metro finally arrives, we finally got a look at what the future of our beige community might look like. A long-serving (and still impossible to write in acronym form) task force unveiled visions of future development around the Wiehle, Reston Parkway, and Herndon-Monroe Metro stations. Fortunately, we only need $95.8 million more in funding for infrastructure, and everything will be as right as rain!

The first concrete hints of what these broad planning principles might mean in practice also started coming across the transom, from the fanciful, bollard-strewn civic plaza of the Comstock Wiehle Metro development to the grainy drawrings of the Reston Excelsior project and the as-of-now-postponed-indefinitely Fairway apartments redevelopment proposal, among others. Closer to our own hearts, the owner of the Spectrum Center sued Fairfax County over redevelopment issues, leaving the fate of the Macaroni Grill in limbo. People also wandered over to Bethesda to see how this whole "transit-oriented development" thing might pan out, and started calling for fewer developer voices in the planning process as the focus shifts to the village centers in 2011.

RELAC got a rate increase. Our BFFs at the Reston Association finally moved, and then their landlord filed for bankruptcy, narrowly averting foreclosure. And indoor tennis continued to inch forward, or whatever a good tennis metaphor for something moving slowly would be. Lob? No, probably not lob.

Reston lost a newspaper in 2010, but gained a magazine and a Web site, though another fanciful web venture was sadly not to be.

Meanwhile, we got to know our doppelgangers to the north and in the old country. We also had to come to terms with Reston's own sordid past.

The treepocalypse moved north of the Toll Road, while the deerpocalypse moved south. Sallie Mae got the @#!#$ out of Reston, but a whole bunch of super secret agencies will ultimately take its place, as we learned by reading Wikileaks some "news paper."

And the crime! We had a Jersey Shore wannabe, a really bad golfer, and a serial hamburglar. But it was a hardened criminal named Swiper who stole our hearts.

The cultural scene began -- and ended -- with Reston: The Opera. But before the defining movie of our generation was released to an unsuspecting public in the dwindling days of December, we tried our own hand at making movies.

And we'll close the book on 2010 with this, the Saddest Tweet in the history of the Internet:

So long, 2010. It's been surreal.

Guess the Mauve Bits, Pt. 6: Rules is Rules

During this sleepy holiday week, we'd thought we'd throw out what ought to be the easiest entry yet in our ongoing collection of wacky pictures of Reston from Outer Space. If you know anything about our fair earth-toned community's rules, you'll know the location of this picture furtively snapped by the Moon Men Google in an instant. First one to guess correctly in the comments doesn't win that late-model Buick, good luck, etc., etc.

Update: And the correct answer, in just 14 minutes! The folks at the RA should be happy to know that 1) everyone knows where to park their boat or RV, and 2) this is not the parking lot of one of our finer residential clusters.

Holiday Leftovers: Help Pick the Names of Reston's Awesome New Metro Stations

Names are destiny -- or something similarly badass we think we remember from the movie 300 or maybe Teletubbies 3D. Anyhoo, there's been lots of talk about picking good names for the three Reston-area Metro stations to help define their "identity," inasmuch as midscale chain retail and parking garages can have an identity, and the lists above came from a meeting last month. Descriptive, perhaps, but they don't exactly "pop," do they?

Below are a few suggestions for station names with a bit more "zzyzz," as the kids today don't say.

Wiehle Avenue
Mauve Gulch
Civic Plaza/Bennetons Station
Bollardville
Reston East/National Museum of Rad '80s Art

Reston Parkway
Gritty Urban Core/Unos Station
Targetville North
Macaroni Grill South
RA Headquarters Station*
(*pending foreclosure proceedings)

Herndon-Monroe
Vulgartown
Grand Green Boulevard/Pei Wei Station
Crumblin' Parkin' Garage
Li'l Bavaria Shopping Center/Downtown Herndon

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

An Earth-Toned Christmas to All, And To All A Mauve Night

Inspired by the defining movie of our generation, we spent upwards of four minutes in MS Paint creating this festive yet heartfelt clip-art holiday greeting. You're welcome. Share your holiday tidings in the comments, and remember -- like Santa, the DRB is always watching.

A Winter's Tale, or How RELAC (Nearly) Ruined Christmas

One nice thing about RELAC, the jet-aged alternative air conditioning system that uses tepid lake water to "chill" homes around Lake Anne, is that it only doesn't work correctly for half of the year. In the winter months, you can relax, and maybe even open a window and pretend that the frigid air that's flowing in is from a functioning cooling system in the middle of the summer.

Not this year, though!

A few weeks ago, there was a tapping at our door here in lovely Lake Anne. It was a representative of RELAC, our special chilled water air conditioning system "serving" about 400 homes near Lake Anne. Many of us refer to it as RELIC, i.e., an old, inefficient system providing poor cooling at outrageous prices.

Today, there was another concern. The friendly rep told me there was serious leakage from RELAC pipes in the area of our townhouse and the neighboring Heron House apartment tower which gets RELAC water for heating as well as cooling. Water was pouring into Heron House's basement.

Those are the words of John Lovaas, who hosts a program about Reston on the teevee. And apparently, the RELAC people have magical powers!

Then he did a curious thing. He put his ear to the pipes, listened, and turned to me, smiling. Not to worry, he said. The leak was not near my house, but at some distance away, much closer to the Heron House. Made sense to me since water is pouring into their basement. He asked me to listen for myself. All I heard was a soft whirring sound. It would be much louder if the leak were closer, he said. Apparently leaks whir!

The story just gets better from there. Not to give everything away, but it involves a visit from the fire department, loss of phone service, an 18-wheeler attempting to yank a pipe out of a wall, a hastily built bridge for Thanksgiving guests, and, apparently, lots of digging. Heat up some hot chocolate, gather your kids around the fireplace, and as the folks on the Internets like to say, read the whole thing.

On the YouTubes: Reston: The Cartoon

OMG, just in time for Christmas, our BFFs at the Reston Museum have posted this "light-hearted" animated history of our favorite beige community, featuring an animatronic Bob Simon, the fabled Seven Goals, and the finest 8-bit videogame sound effects known to man. Not to be confused with Reston: The Opera or our own animated tours de force, Reston: The Cartoon is basically Cecil B. DeMille meets iMovie. It's all here. Everything.

A few favorite moments from Reston's Ur-creation myth:

Power-ups and 100,000 bonus points for all, the end.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The World's First Lunar DRB Violation

Acting on a confidential tip from a neighbor, our Facebook BFFs at the Reston Association had their high-powered cameras pointed at the moon last night. Having struck fear into the hearts of the Moon Men with a pointed letter from the DRB, Restonians everywhere awoke this morning to see the moon restored to its original cluster-approved color palette, allowing covenants staff to return to more earthly matters.

Reston: All About the Benjamins

This fancy map confirms what we've known all along: North Reston is the most affluent part of our beloved beige community. Thank you, U.S. Census, for that valuable news flash! But where do the undesiriables poors live? If you read the comments on this fancy "web log," you'd say "South Reston, of course." But you'd be wrong, as the Census Bureau has pinpointed the area immediately around Lake Anne as Reston's poorest neighborhood. Which is why, when you walk through Lake Anne Plaza, you see so many people wearing those barrels held up by suspenders that were so popular during the last economic downturn. The median household income around Lake Anne is $73,259, which is down 23 percent since 2000, according to the Census Bureau's American Community Survey, which recorded demographic changes from 2005-09. North Reston residents reported median household incomes of between $124,000 and $134,000, according to the Census, while South Reston ranged between $83,000 and $89,000 average household incomes. (Yes, we know Lake Anne is home to several housing developments that serve low-income residents, but so are most parts of Reston -- that's part of the whole vision of our beige community. There are just comparatively fewer other houses in Lake Anne to nudge the averages up. Either that, or Dear Leader had a bad decade on the stock market.)

But we digress. The Census survey also claimed that Reston actually grew smaller between 2000 and 2009, from 56,407 to 53,759 people, though our BFFs at Reston 2020 (and common sense) dispute this, given that nearly 2,400 new housing units were built in Reston during the same time period. The median home value rose to $463,900 in 2009 from $238,700 in 2000, while median household income increased from $80,018 to $98,207 and the median age rose from 36.2 to 38.5. Our diverse community maintained roughly the same demographics (73 percent white, 9 percent black, 10 percent Asian and 9 percent Hispanic), while 26 percent speak a language other than English at home.

In conclusion, in this time of holiday need, please remember your less fortunate neighbors in their lakefront homes on Lake Anne, and be sure to slide the leftovers from your fruitcakes and whatnot under the doors of their three-car garages, the end.

RA Assessments Up, Terraset Dug Up, and Disappointingly Tasteful Holiday Lights: A Random Stroll Through Reston News

• A week after pointing out the awesome midscale retail opportunities to all the good little boys and girls at Reston's Fake Downtown gritty urban core, Santa did his best Navy SEAL impression, splashing down at Lake Anne with a dozen armed commandos elves. The U.S. State Department can neither confirm nor deny that a good time was had by all, though fortunately we have a heavily armed contingent of Germans with their own Christmas traditions to keep us safe from further incursions.
  
  
• Happy holidays from the Reston Association! Your assessment will be $540 next year -- up a mere $25, but at least "the same amount that was previously forecast in the budget."
  
  
• Sunrise Valley and Terraset Elementary would both be renovated ahead of schedule -- in 2013 instead of 2015 -- if the school system gets its way. As part of the work, Terraset Elementary could actually be dug out of the ground to look more like a normal elementary school, angering Mole Men everywhere.
  
  
• Herndon apparently has a "miles-wide mass of underground bedrock" which will make Metro development difficult there (but please the Mole Men). But folks are all up in arms about The Other tall buildings!

  "Fifteen story buildings?" asked Virginia Clarity following a neighborhood meeting hosted by the town on Dec. 1.
  
  "That is too tall. You'll have to crane your neck to look up at it. Four to six stories would be alright, but 15 is just too much."

  Also people might drop pennies off the roofs, making a hole straight through to China, creating a tunnel that would bring even more immigrants to our welcoming neighbor to the west.
  
  
• Much as Mardi Gras represents a final night for debauchery before the austerity of Lent, you'd think the holidays would be the one time of the year we could safely thumb our noses at the DRB with gaudy multicolored light displays. But the place our BFFs at Patch named as the best decorated house has nothing but tasteful white lights. Whazzupwiththat, Reston?
  
  
• Dec. 21 is the deadline for nominations for the Reston Community Center's annual Community Service Award, given as part of RCC's MLK Day celebrations.
  
  
• The Unitarian Universalist Church of Reston has a new minister, though you're free to believe or disbelieve that based on your own wishes.
  
  
• Some dude chemist Tyler Coplen at USGS is altering the atomic weights of 10 elements. If you hear a loud explosion from South Reston, don't say we didn't warn you.
  
  
• Maximus won a $361 million contract with California's children health insurance program, which will involve, we dunno, strapping reimbursement forms to dolphins.
  
  
• State Del. Ken Plum's new gig? Ken the Magician. No, really.
  

Snowpiddleipse II: Electric Boogaloo

Secret Restonian Operative "Sean" sent us this photo taken during the height of yesterday's follow-up to Monday's monster storm. According to our fancy meteorological equipment (a ruler and part of the Restonian World Headquarters backyard), we got approximately 1.4576 inches of snow when all was said and done, but given the fact that schools closed early and will open early late today and buses were late and the roads were snarled and our Macaroni Grill entree was lukewarm, it might as well have been 12 feet.

RA Headquarters Building Auction: Run, Don't Walk to the Fairfax County Courthouse and Pick Up the Bargain of the Century

Remember that time the building the Reston Association moved its headquarters to was on the verge of foreclosure? Yeah, that was awesome. A Confidential Restonian Operative shared the news that it and a variety of other Reston office buildings are actually being auctioned off today.

A major advertisement in the Washington Post (December 8 F4) on December 8th revealed that the properties below will be auctioned at the County Court House on December 16, 2010. The assessed value of these properties exceeds $100 million.

Properties to be auctioned
12001 Sunrise Valley Drive, Reston(At the intersection of Sunrise Valley Drive and Reston Parkway.)
12006 Sunrise Valley Drive, Reston
10780 ParkRidge Boulevard, Reston (At the intersection of Hunter Mill and Sunrise Valley)
10790 ParkRidge Boulevard, Reston
10803 ParkRidge Boulevard, Reston
10805 ParkRidge Boulevard, Reston

What are you waiting for? Grab your checkbook and run over to the courthouse before the close of business, and maybe you can be the landlord writing nasty letters to the RA warning them to maintain their window treatments!

Update: Hold onto those checkbooks. Turns out the building's owner filed for bankruptcy protection yesterday, according to Business Week, which took time away from counting curse words in Google searches to do some actual reporting. Not sure if that forestalled the auction.

Breaking: Shocking Photographic Evidence of New Carb-Intensive Eatery in Reston Town Center

At incredible personal risk, confidential Restonian Operative "Richard" snapped this furtive photograph of Vapiano, the carb-intensive pastaery that will soon be joining the cupcakery and saladery in Reston's fake downtown gritty urban core. While this alone is not enough to set the Macaroni Grill Doomsday Clock (tm) a minute closer to midnight, we did nudge the second hand a little.

Meanwhile, in the Anti-Reston: Herndon Plummets to #3 in Obscenity

First, they elected a slate of people unlikely to appear on Fox News. Then, they went after the pyromaniac bartenders. Has Herndon become a kinder, gentler version of the progressive, welcoming community we've come to know and, um, live near?

As further evidence of this unanticipated shift, Business Week just ranked Herndon #3 in its annual list of the most obscene cities in America. That may not sound so great, but last year our neighbor to the west ranked first nationwide in obscenity. Apparently, these highly scientific rankings aren't based on the presence of businesses like this one, but rather the words used in Google searches made within the city. (Maybe people are Googling "ways to get rid of the immigrants" instead of "ways to get rid of the #*&(@! immigrants" these days.)

Sadly, Reston, ranked 5th in 2009, didn't even make this year's list of the nation's most obscene cities. Just wait until the RA Board elections start back up again, though.

What's the new #1, most awesomely obscene city in the nation? None other than our favorite particleboard Vahalla to the west, Ashburn! Guess those pristine, one-side brick-front McMansions aren't quite as nice as they seem from the outside.

This Week in Crime: MS-13 Sentencing, a Mob Assault, Charges in Toll Road Death and a Serial Bank Robber Behind Bars

A 19-year-old MS-13 member from Reston was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his role in a 2008 gang-related drive-by shooting in Sterling Park.

The defendant entered an Alford plea of guilt on three counts of unlawful wounding, one count of using a firearm while committing a felony and one count of gang participation on July 7 for the Sept. 17, 2008, shooting. He originally was charged with three counts of aggravated malicious wounding in the case, but they were dropped to unlawful wounding as part of the plea agreement. Although he was only 17 at the time of the attack, he was tried as an adult. According to court documents, he was riding in the back seat of a car the day of the shooting, while a 20 year old – also known as Duende – was in the passenger seat. Both were members of the Mara Salvatrucha, MS-13, street gang at the time. The car drove by a group of young men near the intersection of East Poplar Drive and Buckingham Court in Sterling, then returned, and he leaned out the window and fired shots at the group, injuring three, ages 19, 20 and 21 at the time. Court documents state the MS-13 members in the car thought the men on the street were members of 18th Street gang, their rivals. “As he rolled down the window, the defendant encouraged and urged him in the shooting by repeatedly slapping the back of the seat and yelling, ‘Shoot them!! Shoot them!!’” court documents said. One of the victims suffered a gunshot through the arm that left a permanent scar; another suffered a shot through the back that went through his spleen and out his chest; and the third was left paralyzed from the waist down. None of the three were 18th Street gang members, Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Kraig Troxell confirmed. A native of El Salvador, he was brought to the United States illegally by his parents when he was 12. Although Horne sentenced him to an additional 18 years of suspended time upon his release, there is a federal immigration detainer on him so that he will be deported when his 10-year sentence is complete, Plowman said. He is serving 60 years in federal prison on several convictions for 2008 gang-related crimes.

Fairfax County Police believe a West Virginia man arrested for robbing two banks was the serial bank robber who struck twice in Reston in October.

The defendant, of Inwood, W.Va., was arrested Saturday on a fugitive from justice warrant issued in the Nov. 29 robbery of the Berryville Avenue United Bank branch, according to Winchester police. Loudoun County and Fairfax authorities said Monday that he is considered a suspect in four other robberies in Sterling, Reston and Great Falls reported between Oct. 6 and Nov. 20 that are considered related. No charges have been filed against him in Loudoun County or Fairfax. Authorities in those jurisdictions, along with Winchester police, have been assisting the FBI in a joint investigation. "At this time we're determining whether [he] will be charged at the state level or federally," said Kraig Troxell, a spokesman for the Loudoun County Sheriff's Office. "We do believe that the prisoner in West Virginia is the suspect in these robberies," Fairfax Police Department spokesman Bud Walker said.

A roving gang group of "at least six teenagers, both males and females" attempted to rob a 27-year-old man in the 12200 block of Laurel Glade Court on Dec. 4.

The suspects were described as white and black. One suspect was wearing a white coat, blue jeans and white shoes; another wore a brown coat, blue jeans and white shoes; and a third suspect was wearing a blue coat and blue jeans. Police have identified possible suspects and are investigating. The victim was treated at the scene for minor injuries.

A Reston man is one of two people who have been charged in the Nov. 19 death of a Silver Line construction supervisor on the Dulles Toll Road.

The 43 year old, of Reston, was charged with stopping on the roadway and a 59 year old of Sparks, Nevada, was charged with reckless driving, says a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority, which operates the Toll Road. The spokesperson said the Toll Road Police brought the charges after consultation with the Fairfax County Commonwealth's Attorney Office. Kenneth Wright, of Woodbine, Md., and his brother Lonnie were on their way home from their construction jobs around 3 p.m. Nov. 19, when the taxi in front of them suddenly stopped in the eastbound lanes of the Dulles Toll Road just east of the main toll plaza. The Wrights' pickup truck hit the taxi. Both drivers got out with their vehicles in the third lane of traffic. Wright suggested they move to the shoulder out of the traffic. The taxi driver allegedly refused. Suddenly another truck hit the Wrights' truck sending it in the air with Lonnie inside. It landed on Kenneth Wright killing him instantly. That's how Donna Wright, Kenneth Wright's widow, said her husband died. The Airports Authority statement did not say when the charges were filed. It gave no details of what roles the two people charged may have played in the accident. And it did not explained how Mr. Wright was killed.

Donna Wright is still looking for witnesses to the accident. She can be contacted here.

Coming Soon to a Cluster Near You: Dudes With Clipboards

Those of you who bothered reading the raft of documents when you closed on your little piece of earth-toned paradise in Reston know that before you can sell said property and "upgrade" to that fancy one brick-side McMansion in Ashburn, the Reston Association will send out people wearing snazzy official-looking jackets and clipboards to make sure all your exterior lights are working, the house hasn't been painted bright orange, etc., etc. And as a special going away present for your neighbors, they'll send them nastygrams, too, if they see something awry while they're eyeballing your house.

Apparently, that's not the only way that the RA enforces its standards. Confidential Restonian Operative "P" tells us that the RA has embarked on a grand 30-40 year quest to inspect every property in Reston, cluster by cluster.

Basically they have 4 inspectors who are in charge of doing 1 cluster per year. My cluster (Purple Sage in 20194) was one of the first ones chosen, people aren’t happy about the results. Some of the ramifications are significant…i.e. Your siding is faded you need to paint it (you don’t paint siding) or replace it (even though there is no dents or physical problem with the siding).... The inspector did a good job…she nailed every property for something.

This is different from RA's annual common property inspections, where they tromp around the woods looking for severed heads grass clippings and other affronts to our ecosystem. But we're not entirely sure this is something new, as the helpful "How Are Violations Found Or Reported?" section of the Reston "web site" says that "RA staff also conducts cluster or neighborhood inspections on a periodic basis," right below the easily downloadable complaint form people can use to anonymously snitch on their neighbors. But is this a new, systematic approach to cluster inspections? If they're starting in North Reston, they're going to need a few new boxes of pens by the time they get to the older neighborhoods south of Baron Cameron.

Of course, rules is rules, and in theory this is a Good Thing, as it's a way to make sure a couple of lazy property owners don't bring down home values in an entire neighborhood. But there's about a million miles' difference between a house with faded, peeling paint and one with an improper light covering near the back door -- both of which could get the DEFCON 1 treatment.

According to "P," his cluster was notified before inspections began. Cited homes were given three months to correct any defects, though that can be extended to six months due to the limitations on outside work posed by the winter. Which gives us time to remove the giant neon sign we've erected in the front yard of Restonian World Headquarters and maybe find a nice earth-toned mailbox to replace the one that looks like a clown's head we know our neighbors love so much.

Let's Call It Snowpiddleipse 2010 (tm)

This scene of abject terror greeted us when we awoke this morning, the sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach a reminder that we failed to singlehandedly empty the grocery store shelves of the requisite bread, milk and toilet paper last night. It's just like Snowpocalypsemageddon (tm) all over again! Hopefully the roads shade-covered bits of sidewalk will clear before we have to resort to human cannibalism, just like Snowpocalypsemageddon (tm) all over again, the end.

Reston: An Earth-Toned Garden of Foreclosures

Who knew the Google Maps machine isn't just for embarrassingly easy contests? Each red dot on the fancy map above represents an earth-toned home currently under foreclosure. What's interesting is that beyond a cluster lumped around the intersection of South Lakes and Soapstone, the foreclosures are spread fairly evenly around Reston -- north, south, The Fake Downtown The Authentic Urban Experience (tm), and everywhere in between. Reston doesn't seem to be faring any worse than the rest of Fairfax County, and quite a bit better than so-called "best place to live" Centreville -- but if you scroll over to Sterling, you're greeted by a horrific, smallpox-like infestation of red dots. So if your dream is to live in a particleboard estate behind a strip mall, now's your chance!

Just Call Us Mauveleaks: The RA's IRS 990 Form

A Confidential Restonian Operative forwarded us this highly secret financial document from the Reston Association. Oh, wait -- it's just the RA's annual disclosure form to the IRS, which is actually public information available to anyone with one of those fancy "web browsers" we keep hearing about. But posting "secret" documents for the world to see seems to be the hip, "Web 2.5" thing to do these days, so here you go!

Seriously, the Confidential Reston Operative passed this along because the form used to be posted on the RA's own site, but apparently isn't anymore. Our background in tax law is restricted to Estonian property transfers, so we're not qualified to say much about any of the fancy numbers in this document. To the casual observer, the only interesting things are how much Reston CEO Milton Matthews and other top staffers make, which is almost as much as we get when someone clicks the banner ad for law enforcement academies at the top of this page, the end.

Update: Turns out the real Wikileaks secret code to release a torrent of confidential information is "Reston5." COINCIDENCE?

Did Albert Haynesworth Lose $115 Million Because of a Night on the Town at Reston Town Center?

Those of you who follow the "foot ball" probably already know that Albert Haynesworth was suspended by the Redskins for the rest of the season. But did a grainy cellphone photo of the linebacker hanging out at American Tap Room at Reston Town Center last week seal the deal?

Haynesworth claimed he was "sick" and that's why he was late Friday morning and practiced so poorly on Thursday. (He was healthy enough that he still wanted to play against the Giants on Sunday.)

I was out at a bar in Reston Va last Thursday night. It was around 1:30 in the morning and guess who stumbled in but Albert Haynesworth, with two or three very petite young things. He had a drink in hand and hung out for a bit over in the corner near the bathroom.

Haynesworth is the closest thing to a celebrity you'll see something of a regular in a number of Fake Downtown hotspots. He has denied he was hung over the next day, but another reporter got to the bottom of the story, with the kind of diligence you rarely see when a journalist is investigating claims of weapons of mass destruction doing a non-sports story:

Haynesworth was out at the american tap room until 2am thursday morning (that is wednesday night into thursday morning). A waiter there showed Haynesworth’s bill to a comcast reporter (apparently Haynesworth likes the drink: Skinny Bitch on the Rag). The comcast reporter checked with players who said that Haynesworth was definitely hung over. So they reported it. Haynesworth himself admitted that he was out till “closing” at the Tap Room, but said he stopped drinking “around 12:30 or so”.

One person imagined the conversation the next day:

Shanahan: You look like hell! Where were you last night?!

Haynesworth: Reston! [crosses fingers]

Shanahan Restin'?

Haynesworth: That's what I said.

So, um, yeah. All we can say is that we're not exactly sure a wild night out in the Fake Downtown is worth losing a $115 million contract. At least not unless the evening ended with all-you-can-eat breadsticks at the Macaroni Grill, the end.

Update: Now this is just plain cruel. But funny.

On the YouTubes: We Watch the Reston Association Videos So You Don't Have To

Christmas just came early at Restonian World Headquarters, as the December edition of RA Today unexpectedly popped up on our You Tubes machine! Dulcet-toned host Andy Sigle gave us quite a fright by walking dangerously close to traffic zipping by on the Toll Road by way of introducing a conversation about the Reston Master Plan Task Force With a Name So Long That By The Time He Finished Saying It, It Was Time To Roll the End Credits (RMPTFWANSLTBTTHFSIIWTTRTEC). Paul Thomas, RA's rep on the task force, updates us on where things stand as lots of hott maps and whatnot fly by on the screen. Thomas tells us that final recommendations will be issued by spring or early summer, as work continues on "wording and figuring out densities," which are probably of equal importance.

But that's not all! We're reminded that the 2011 RA Board elections are right around the corner, with a meeting for prospective candidates next Wednesday, Dec. 15. Then Sigle goes back to college, where instead of attending a kegger he visits the Planned Community Archives at George Mason University, shockingly not lowering his voice to a whisper as he strolls through a library with a librarian, who opens a box to show him the historic goldenrod carbon copy of the first DRB violation written in our beloved beige community which GMU has thoughtfully preserved for future generations, the end.

This Week in Crime: A 'Biggs' Carjacking Arrest, a Not-So-Big Stabbing, and Jail Time in Last Year's Gold Burglaries

A Reston man who goes by "Biggs" was arrested for carjacking following an exciting foot chase in scenic downtown Martinsburg, West Virginia. Wait, what?

A man wanted in connection with a Virginia carjacking was arrested Friday afternoon in Martinsburg after a foot chase through the downtown area, the Martinsburg Police Department said in a news release.

[The suspect], 31, also known as “Biggs,” of 2040 Winged Foot Court in Reston, Va., was wanted in Williams County, Va., on charges of carjacking, armed robbery and firearm violations in connection with a Nov. 26 incident, police said.

Martinsburg Police were helping U.S. Marshals search for [the suspect] when he was spotted walking in the area of West King and Raleigh streets, police said.

Patrolman A. Garcia and Detective Lt. G.B. Swartwood approached [the suspect], but he did not obey commands to stop and show identification, police said.

“The suspect then began to physically resist arrest and (flee),” the release said. “The suspect was pursued down John Street to Church Street, where he was apprehended” by Garcia and Swartwood.

[The suspect] at first provided a false name, but later said he was in fact the person that was wanted in Virginia, police said.

Closer to home, a Reston woman was arrested following a stabby sort of ending to the Thanksgiving weekend.

A woman was arrested for allegedly stabbing an acquaintance, a 37-year-old man, in the upper body after an altercation on Sunday, November 28 around 10:15 p.m. at a home in the 11800 block of Sunset Hills Road. Both the suspect and victim were transported to the hospital and treated for non life-threatening injuries. The suspect, 30, of 11800 Sunset Hills Road #212 in Reston, was charged with malicious wounding.

Hey, remember that time some burglars from New York (but not the Hamburglar) targeted Indians throughout the county in a series of gold burglaries, only Fairfax County royally screwed up their prosecution? Yeah, that was awesome, especially since the Feds were finally able to land jail time for one of the burglars.

A New York City woman who admitted being part of a ring that burglarized dozens of homes in Northern Virginia, specifically seeking gold and ignoring other valuables, was sentenced Friday to three years in federal prison.

Melinda M. Soto, 34, and her husband, Dagoberto Soto Ramirez, pleaded guilty in federal court in Alexandria to regularly traveling from New York to Fairfax and Loudoun counties, targeting homeowners with South Asian-sounding names. They admitted to burglarizing 37 homes and stealing nearly $600,000 worth of gold heirlooms between January and November of last year, when they were arrested along with a third alleged co-conspirator, Francisco Gray.

The cases against all three were thrown out by judges in Fairfax and Loudoun for lack of evidence, and Gray was deported to Peru. Federal authorities stepped in and indicted the trio in July.

The Sotos pleaded guilty in September to transporting stolen property across state lines. Gray has not been located.

Four of the victims spoke during the sentencing hearing before U.S. District Court Judge Leonie M. Brinkema. Raman Kumar told the judge that "our community still lives in fear" and that "the South Asian community is a victim of an economically motivated hate crime."

Soto then spoke publicly for the first time. "I'd like to say I'm sorry to all the victims and all the people that I hurt," she said, still wearing the purple streaks in her hair that captured the attention of some of the neighbors who saw her in the victimized communities. Soto admitted that she would knock on doors, make a phony sales pitch if someone was home, or go back to her car if no one answered and call the home to confirm no one was there.

Her husband and Gray then would break in and seek the gold items that had been handed down through generations of families, and which federal authorities Friday told the victims had been promptly melted down and sold after their removal.

The victims were not happy with the sentence. "Thirty-six months is nothing," said Jaya Sapre of Herndon, who said more than $25,000 worth of property, and a laptop containing all the photos of their children, was taken. "A hardcore criminal knows now, 'I can do something like this.' Thirty-six months is nothing for them."

A twenty-four year-old Reston resident was issued a summons for alleged shoplifting on Nov. 28 in the 400 block of Elden Street in Herndon.

Nine people were treated following a carbon monoxide leak in their Stone Wheel Drive apartment on November 29. A faulty furnace was identified as the culprit, so check those carbon monoxide detectors, kids.

And also some towels were stolen from a business in the 11600 block of Plaza America Drive, there are no words, etc., etc.

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Photographic Glimpse of Reston's Future

Restonian Secret Operative "Sean" sent us this picture of an actual fanciful concrete bollard he spotted in the wild, in the decidedly non-suburban community of Washington, D.C. (where we hear there's at least a Borders, if not a Macaroni Grill, in some place called "George Town.") We don't know about you all, but this makes us pretty psyched about all the new development coming to Reston.

Reston: The Opera: The Review: A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Genius, With Exactly One (1) Joke About Earth Tones

Once in every generation, a work of art simultaneously defines and transcends the era in which it was created. The Sistine Chapel. Hamlet. The season 3 finale of Three's Company. And now, Reston: The Opera has reached -- and surpassed -- those lofty heights. Performed only once, it will remain a transcendent moment that will haunt our fever dreams for years to come, making RCC's Center Stage the Globe Theatre for a chaotic and confused 21st Century. Bob Simon recreating the culminating tumbling scene from Flashdance, complete with leotard? The entire DRB manual set to iambic pentameter and rapped by albino Laplanders? The giant moldy inflatable globe batted around by the audience as tough they were at a mid-80s Nena concert?

Actually, that last part really happened. SRSLY. We'll be the first to admit that we may not have the capacity to fully appreciate this lofty piece of work, with our only formal training in the arts our MFA in industrial mime. However, those who do not take the time to "unpack" Reston: The Opera, as those unschooled in semiotics are unlikely to do, are apt to miss the deeper meaning of this "work," seeing instead a cynical attempt to take an inscrutable piece of performance art and make it palatable for unsuspecting audiences by interspersing it with short video clips of Restonians talking about their beige community as an amulet to shield their own "art" from criticism as they come out wearing giant writhing elephantitis hands or pretend to drive around in a car in a bit lifted from a late-night talk show.

But wait! As artists ourselves ("web logging" is an art, right?), we have to admire fellow artists with dreams. Big dreams. Big fever dreams that would make Fellini nervous that he might have gone a bit over the top. The performing group, Squonk Opera, is from Pittsburgh, where they know about big dreams. Not to mention electrifying tumbling sequences. So they had that whole triumph of art thing going for them. Which is nice. Plus, they integrated local student dancers in a way we can honestly say made them the best part of the show. There was precisely one joke about earth tones, which brought down the house. And they even shot T-shirts into the crowd, which reacted as if they were in the studio audience when Oprah gave everyone iPads.

But all that misses the point. To fully understand the ways in which Reston: The Opera truly reflected this community, as though it were a mirror instead of a Serious Work of Art, consider these lyrics from the culminating song:

Semioticians will be deciphering the multiple meanings of those lyrics for generations, though with all false modesty aisde, we think our lyrics were almost as good.

Anyhoo, as this Wagnerian magnum opus reached its inevitable climax, complete with levitating semi-nude animatronic cherubs (SRSLY ZOMG THAT REALLY HAPPENED), this humble correspondent is not ashamed to admit that he was weeping freely, in a moment of catharsis he has not experienced since he found his missing Chewbacca action figure as a 7 year old, the end.

Update: Our BFFs at Patch were underwhelmed by the spectacle. And while videotaping and photography were strictly forbidden during the performance, at great personal risk and expense, we managed to acquire grainy footage of this one scene:

You're welcome.

VDOT Web Survey: Lawyers 'Road Diet' Hotter Than Justin Beiber and Kei$ha Put Together, OMGZ

Hey, remember that time that VDOT put Personal Injury Lawyers Road on a "road diet," creating a fun suicide turn lane and dedicated bike lanes for the legions of spandex-wearing cyclists? Yeah, that was awesome.

Earlier this year, VDOT did one of those awesome Web surveys, and the results are in! Apparently Justin Beiber is "hot," while Kei$ha (better known in Europe as Kei€ha) is "gross."

Oh, wait -- wrong poll. Apparently, 851 people responded to the Web survey, though it was probably something like 12 actual responses when they eliminated all the results from people with names like "Richard Hertz" and "Oliver Clothesoff." Anyhoo, 69 percent of respondents said that Lawyers "seems safer" after the road diet was put into place, and 74 percent thought that the project "improved" the roadway. Some 47 percent said they bicycled on Lawyers more often than before, though it's unclear how many purchased new Spandex as a result. While 69 percent of those surveyed said that car travel times didn't increase after the diet, 59 percent said speeds dropped.

That was backed up by some fancy high-tech real time traffic data collection VDOT conducted (some guy named Earl with a clipboard and a stopwatch?), which found that average speed dropped by about 1 mile per hour -- and the number of vehicles traveling at over 50 mph dropped from 13 percent to just 1 percent. Also, there were just three crashes along Lawyers during the road diet's first year, compared to an average of 15 during the each of the previous four years.

So, um, yay spandex and turn lanes. We guess this means the similar approach under consideration for Soapstone Drive will continue unfettered, with the exception of the high-speed exit ramps leading to the 7-11 so we can purchase our 72-ounce Super Big Gulps at speeds approaching Mach 1, and soon Spandex will be mandatory for all social events. Time to lay off the earth-toned Ho-Hos!