News and notes from Reston (tm).

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Beige Mirror: As More Dystopic Video Screens Appear Across Reston, We Welcome Our New Cold-Blooded Overlords

A few months back, a giant video screen featuring circling sharks appeared at Reston Station, bathing the various polygons and whatnot in eerie shades of dystopian blue, kinda like something out of a cyberpunk novel, if the plots of cyberpunk novels focused on Metro access and farm-to-table dining. Now we're learning that like the monoliths in 2001, these screens are.... multiplying. Check it, as the kids haven't said since the 1970s:

That's right. futuristic Reston mixed-use development Halley Rise, home to self-driving cars and (not a moment too soon to slake our suburban sense of inferiority) the planned transit-oriented Wegmans, now has its own big honkin' screen featuring yet another cold-blooded predator eyeing the golf courses its prey, warily. And Reston's vision of a dystopian future in which CGI grannies stare at listlessly at video screens goes back to when Tall Oaks still had stucco strip mall buildings. Should we be concerned?

We dunno, to be honest. Let's ask our lizard overlords!

Probably nothing to worry about, the end.

Monday, March 29, 2021

Okay, Fine, We'll Do A Post About The Big Honkin' Boat (Updated)

As the big boat that launched a thousand memes continues to languish in the Suez Canal, here's some News You Can Use! Here's what the big boat might look like stranded in our own plastic fantastic planned community, thanks to this very helpful research tool:

Looks like Lake Anne would make a nice storage spot for the big boat, with enough room left over for the booze barges to circle around it.

We'd like to see RTC's elite parking/photo enforcement squad put a bumblebee on this. At the same time, squeezing the big boat parallel to Freedom (Except for Parking and Photos) Drive would result in a complete disruption of our fragile supply chain for fancy cellular telephones and $60 tubes of makeup.

Finally, RNGC's owners haven't (yet) been able to convince the county to let them build condos on the golf course, but do you need a special use permit to store a slightly distressed big boat next to one of the fairways? As an added bonus, the big boat's staggering height would likely bounce sliced balls back onto the green, the end.

Update: Another addition, courtesy of Confidential Restonian Operative "Pedro" from the Facebooks:

Just think -- a container ship right next to the Container Store! Might be helpful for those times the walk-in closest is too full to shove everything into a couple of $40 plastic shoe boxes.

Friday, March 19, 2021

Two Weeks Left in Glorious 2021 RA Board Elections, Most of Which are Actually Contested (Updated)

We're halfway through this year's RA Board of Directors election season (or "eln szn," as the kids have almost certainly never said), and we've got ourselves a barnburner! Well, that may be debatable, but at least two of the three open seats are contested this year -- a good thing, particularly given the fact that the RA hasn't exactly had the best track record of late of doing things like, we dunno, running websites and maybe keeping their email passwords secure? So some non-Soviet oversight is likely in order.

But we digress. Four candidates are running for two open at-large seats -- John Farrell, Sarah Selvaraj-D’Souza, Timothy J. Dowling, and Vincent Dory. For the open South Lakes seat, Jennifer Jushchuk is running unopposed. 

Candidate statements are here. If all those words give you a headache, please to be enjoying this YouTube video of the candidates reading their statements:


And here's the candidate forum, renvisioned this year as a virtual event which will remind you of every work-related Zoom call you've had over the past year:


Our BFFs at Reston Now also have run profiles of some of the candidates.

The Coalition for a Planned Reston (CPR) endorsed two of the at-large candidates, Farrell and Selvaraj-Dsouza, and Jushchuk for the South Lakes seat. Rescue Reston published position statements from all four at-large candidates about preserving Reston's golf courses.

We love to kid on this filthy "web log," but we're grateful that people are actually willing to run for what is truly a thankless job. There's certainly a lot on Reston's plate in the years to come, so good on them.

As for the rest of us, the good news is that as of yesterday, the election hit its required 10 percent quorum and they don't have to start the whole process over again. As of March 18, turnout was at 11 percent for the contested at-large seats and 12.3 percent for the South Lakes one. But that's still a tiny percentage of eligible voters. If we're living in a socialist-style collective, let's vote like one!

Voting closes April 2, so vote early and often.

Update: Sarah Selvaraj-D’Souza and Timothy J. Dowling wound up winning the at-large seats, while Jennifer Jushchuk won the uncontested South Lakes seat.

Friday, March 12, 2021

NFT, WTF: A Piece of Reston History Just Went On The Blockchain, And For Some ETH, Whatever That Is, It Could Be Yours (Updated)

After hearing that some piece of digital art just sold for a very nice $69 million on the blockchain, we here at Restonian Amalgamated Web Logs and Extruded Pork Products Worldwide, Ltd. realized that it was time to create a new revenue stream service for our faithful readers. That’s right, we’re putting the iconic piece of Reston history pictured above, featured in many of our most popular* posts over the years, up for sale as a Non-Fungible Token (NFT). It’s actually already “on the blockchain,” which means millions of years from now, our robotic overlords will have an immutable record of a tearful pony superimposed over the partially obscured logo of a midscale chain eatery that by then will have been defunct for many millennia. Technology is amazing! Here’s the writeup:
Like carbs? Like planned communities? Now you can have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to purchase a non-fungible piece of history from the restonian dot org web log, the leading news source about defunct midscale chain eateries in Reston, Virginia.  
Who among us can forget where we were on Dec. 18, 2014, when the Macaroni Grill in Reston, Virginia, abruptly closed its doors in the middle of the high calorie celebrations of the holiday season? This graphic, assembled from several recognizable images under the fair use concepts of parody and pastaria, immediately invokes the feeling of sudden shock many Restonians felt after a long period of time in which we knew the midscale chain eatery would ultimately close. For tens upon tens of the web log's faithful readers, it offered a visual sense of recognition, and ultimately, catharsis and acceptance.  
Beiger than Bansky. More blockchainy than Beeple. Less fungible than Furbies. This minor footnote of an unremarkable bit of 21st century history could be yours, if the arbitrary value of your cryptocurrency-based transaction is right!
Surely someone out there can spare 0.014184 ETH (whatever that is), plus “gas,” which is something we have a lot of, and in a very fungible sense. We're not sure what "owning" the image will do, as it will continue to be displayed on this filthy "web log," but we guess you'll have the only non-fungible blockchain version of it, which you could hang in a nice blockchain frame in your blockchain house in your independent blockchain-powered sovereign territory. But hurry! The “auction” is only going on for seven days, and with only 48,409 other NFT “artworks” available, it’s sure to skyrocket in value! 

Update: Sadly, this piece of Reston history didn't sell. No one appreciates the struggling artist! But this memento from one of the saddest days in our plastic fantastic planned community will remain on the blockchain forever, and after consulting with some of the great art houses of the world, we've repriced the NFT for what it's truly worth and will patiently wait for the world to catch up. They laughed at Van Gogh, too, and he didn't even live in a Census-designated place, the end.

 * Disclaimer: None of our posts were, technically, ever popular.

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Farewell, Waffles and His Yet-To-Be Named Companion: Two Giraffes Dead in Reston Zoo Blaze

Truly sad news out of Roer's Zoofari, formerly known as Reston Zoo:

Monday, March 8, 2021

Starbuckspocalypse Now: Reston Spectrum Coffee Purveyor Cannot Live By Containers Alone

Pour one a $5 double tall venti latte Americano chai tea, or whatever the kids are calling Sanka these days, out for the Reston Spectrum Starbucks, which recently closed.

Six years after the most tragic business closure in Reston history, yet another beloved midscale chain location is following in the footsteps of upsold service plans and those paper iPad thingies. Only containers remain in that corner of our favorite big box retailapalooza, whose days are certainly numbered at some point as well.

A sign on the door of the closed Starbucks asks people to visit the location in North Point Village Center -- where way back in the early oughts there were once two Starbuckses less than two venti cups away from each other -- the location that still stands, and one inside the Giant. We're definitely getting old, but man, these kids today don't know how good we used to have it, the end.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Metallic Object Falls Into Lake Audubon, Presumably From Outer Space

It's not at all alarming when your favorite homeowners association interrupts your morning Twitter browsing with news that a mysterious metallic object has fallen into one of our plastic fantastic planned community's manmade lakes... and that it's resistant to being moved.

Given the headlines of the past week about mysterious flying objects, there's really only one credible explanation...

We, for one, welcome our new alien overlords, and hope they reduce our annual assessment, the end.