News and notes from Reston (tm).

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Two Comrades Running Unopposed For Glorious RA Board Seats; One Seat Contested in Bourgeois-Style "Election"

RA Fun

Most glorious news, bourgeois homeowning comrades! Five of our brothers and sisters in our earth-toned union have agreed to run for three seats in this year's plebiscite election for the RA Board. As per usual in recent years, two of the three seats are unopposed. Give us some good blockquote, BFFs at Reston Now:

Lake Anne/Tall Oaks Director Eve Thompson, the current board secretary, will run for re-election, but as an At-Large candidate. Opposing her will be newcomers John Bowman, who has been active in RA’s Transportation Advisory Committee and the Reston Citizens Association, and financial professional April Tan.

Ken Knueven, former RA Board President, currently fills the At-Large seat up for election. He cannot run again because RA Bylaws prohibit more than two consecutive three-year terms by board members.

North Point District Director Dannielle LaRosa, who was appointed to the board in summer 2014 when former North Point Director Tim Cohn resigned for health reasons. She was elected by North Point district residents in 2o15 to fill the remaining one-year of the term. She is now running unopposed for the full three-year term. LaRosa currently serves as the RA Board Treasurer.

Running unopposed for the Lake Anne/Tall Oaks District Director is Sherri Hebert, who has been active in the citizens group watching Tall Oaks redevelopment. While two of this year’s races are uncontested, a 10-percent quorum is required to make the election official, RA says.

At least one of the races is contested. After years of complaining about uncontested seats in board elections, we're starting to run out of Soviet clip art to use. We mainly blame that softie Gorbachev, but being an RA board member is admittedly a pretty thankless job. When people think "community service" or "politics," the first thing they think of is probably not their homeowner's association. Unless, of course, they love paint swatches and extensive design guidelines. But we digress!

The problem is that the RA board actually makes important decisions about whether our money gets spent on referenda to purchase waterlogged lakeside properties... or bocce. It also decides exactly how hard it plans to fight against the vaguely inevitable paving of our open spaces with the county and the courts. So yeah, we guess it kind of matters, and for reasons beyond forcing the RA to hold another election if they don't meet the steep barrier of that 10 percent quorum.

You can read each candidate's official statement here (PDF). Or, for your convenience, we've included a fancy "word cloud" below, like it's 2007 or something:

Word Cloud 16

Shout out to the 20190! And committees!

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

A Children's Treasury of Passive Aggressive Objects Left in Snowbound Reston Parking Lots

Now that we're starting to dig out, it's time to witness neighbors being neighborly -- about everything except that parking space they spent an hour and a half digging out. Confidential Restonian Operative "Pedro" shared these photos from around Northgate Square.

That Guy

"Don't be that guy." If the words don't make you think twice, that precariously leaning metal contraption will.

Sign 2

Extra points for politeness.

Busy

"It's is busy please, thank you."

Busy copycat

Such effective language was just begging to be copied.

Staredown

SIGN STAREDOWN.

Not a lot of laundry's getting done in Northgate these days.

Cat litter

Catwoman's parking space.

Art installation

This art installation challenges and confounds the viewer. What is the purpose of the bucket? A tool used to capture and store liquids in times of scarcity, it is now elevated on a pedestal to highlight its venerated status during a time of abundant precipitation. All hail, red bucket!

Or maybe its owners wanted to make sure people saw the plastic stepstool before they pulled into the spot at 20 mph.

Classic

Sometimes, you've just got to appreciate the classics, the end.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Neither Rain Nor Snow, But An Unplowed Parking Lot Stymies Uniformed Federal Agents in Post-Snowpocalyptic Reston

Postman

Schools closed until March? Totally expected.

A subway system that barely operates in good weather is still getting back up to speed? Sure.

Snowplows missing neighborhoods for days on end? Hey, it happens.

Federal gubmint not open? They'd just be busy promoting that stupid climate change stuff, anyway. Serves them right.

Uniformed federal agents not patrolling our neighborhoods? Now we're surprised. The Postal Service have always been the badasses of our post-Snowpocalypses past, typically delivering our vital mattress store circulars and bills well before anything else gets back to normal. Check out this dude in New Jersey! But not this time, at least not in Reston. Give us some good blockquote, BFFs at Reston Now:

The parking lot of the Reston branch of the post office, located at 11110 Sunset Hill Rd., remains unplowed as of Tuesday at 11 a.m.

The government building is supposed to be plowed by a private contractor who has not been there since the storm began Friday, a source said.

The post office remains closed until the lot is plowed. There will also be no mail delivery in Reston until that happens as the mail trucks are staged from that area, a post office employee said.

Wait. A private contractor is slowing up the government? Tell the folks at the Heritage Foundation to put on another pot of coffee. It's going to be a long night.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Snowmageddonpocalypseblizzardapoxondumbstormnames2016 (tm): Our Dumb Live Web Log

CZLRM81WYAA2SVf jpg large

Have you heard? It apparently might snow a little bit over the next few days. Not to be confused with the snow last Wednesday night, which proved that less than an inch of snow is enough to bring the capital city of the most powerful nation that ever existed to a complete standstill and makes us really confident about the weekend to come.

We'll keep updating until the power goes out, civil society collapses and we have to resort to human cannibalism, or we get totally bored with the whole "snow" thing. Whichever comes first.

- - -

9:30 am, 1/24:

As a capricious sun rises over our no longer earth-toned community, we can take stock of all that has happened as we turn to the arduous task of digging ourselves out -- both literally and metaphorically speaking. What Did It All Mean?

It meant that it snowed.

9:50 pm, 1/23:

Our sentiments exactly.

6:50 pm, 1/23: Night falls on a planned community still besieged by falling snow. The tension is palpable. What will tomorrow bring?

Night falls

Probably snow.

Here's a fancy YouTubes video from our BFFs at the Reston Association about the "bomb," which when it comes to clearing pathways, is apparently "the bomb," as the kids haven't said for at least a couple of years, and maybe longer.

Still, like this earlier and even more awesome RA video, it gives us hope that while we won't be able to drive to the grocery store for a week, the paths will be clear enough for us to resort to human cannibalism in the next cluster over instead of inconveniencing our neighbors.

Not that the thought of human cannibalism has ever occurred to us.

RTC

Our favorite gritty urban core. Again, THINK OF ALL THE LOOSE TEA LEAVES GOING UNSEEPED AND ALL THE GOURMET CUPCAKES GOING UNCONSUMED.

Dog View of RTC

At least there's one happy customer.

4:36 pm, 1/23: Cabin fever is starting to set in:

Swimmer

Jogger

Ski

4:20 pm, 1/23: Pretty boss time-lapse.

2:14 pm, 1/23:

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

10:51 am, 1/23: We're stone cold playing Reston Snow Photo Bingo again:

Pic 0

Not bad. Chair and table gets the upper right square.

Pic 1

Gas grill of questionable operational status? Bottom left square. That weird metal structure with a swinging chair? Free space.

Circle gets the square

Sagging, soon to be overtaxed hammock? CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE.

10:40 am, 1/23: The obligatory yardstick photo:

Yardstick

Since it's North Reston snow, it must be fluffier and tastier than the stuff that fell in South Reston or (shudder) Lake Anne.

Even the plows are getting stuck:

Stuck

Stuck2

Pretty:

Pretty

6:05 pm, 1/22:

YARDSTICK

As we cross the four-inch threshold, the first of many yardstick photos we've seen on the Twitters. Freud would be delighted.

6:01 pm, 1/22: We're still trying to figure out if this guy is trolling.

Trolling or Not

4:35 pm, 1/22: The latest from Reston Town Center.

RTC

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF ALL THE APPLE PRODUCTS NOT BEING SOLD AND ALL THE MIDSCALE CHAIN APPETIZERS NOT BEING EATEN.

This next one's pretty artsy, actually.

Artsy RTC

Once the power goes out, there's not going to be much difference between those art installations and all those poorly insulated 1960s homes.

3:17 pm, 1/22: Think we're going to start playing Reston Snow Picture Bingo:

Multigrill

Multiple grills of varying fuel source and functionality? Check.

Decking stained a tasteful, DRB-friendly wood tone? Check.

Squirrel-resistant bird feeder? Check.

If there had just been a tasteful wind chime, we would have won it all.

2:35 pm, 1/22:

One bene of HOA

One good thing about being part of an HOA: snowplows. But if that photo is really from fancy North Reston, why isn't it a Range Rover pushing a plow blade?

1:01 pm, 1/22:

Screen Shot 2016 01 22 at 12 56 59 PM  2

This guy GETS IT. We're through the looking glass, sheeple!

12:56 pm, 1/22:

No surprise

The least surprising development of the day.

12:42 pm, 1/22: The first flakes. IT BEGINS.

Screen Shot 2016 01 22 at 12 45 21 PM

12:33 pm, 1/22: While we wait patiently (not patiently) for the snow to start falling, we could use a little distraction. How about this?

After a comprehensive investigation, detectives learned than an unknown person was using the alias of “Ron Burgundy” and operating a “sex club” out of an apartment on Northgate Square in Reston. The person was advertising online and charging a fee to engage in various sexual acts with a prostitute.
Perfect. Thanks, FCPD!

12:24pm, 1/22:

Screen Shot 2016 01 22 at 12 14 31 PM  2

It only seems calm:

11:08 am, 1/22:

Screen Shot 2016 01 22 at 10 38 36 AM  2

And lo, the fourth horseman of Snowpocalypse 2016. And horsemen #5, 6, 7, and 8.

8:51 am, 1/22:

Red Skies

What's the old sailors' expression? Red skies at morning, we'll all be trapped for days in a snowstorm that will deprive us of our weekend trip to Target, where there's no queso dip to be had anyway?

Yeah, that sounds right.

10:12 pm, 1/21:

NO GAS

NO GAS. The third horseman of Snowpocalypse2016 runs on unleaded.

8:27 pm, 1/21:

Buzzkill

Buzzkill.

But that's okay. We were getting tired of pictures of threadbare grocery shelves anyway. You know what's better? Pictures of hoarded shovels.

Shovels

That's the ticket.

5:44 pm, 1/21: The leading name for the upcoming snowstorm? According to this online poll, it's Make Winter Great Again. We should have enough snow to build a pretty hoooooooooge wall. If it comes down to cannibalism, as we would never ever suggest, we might be glad we did.

The RA issued a Very Important press release saying, among other things, that all RA programs, meetings, and events will be canceled after noon on Friday. So you needn't worry about trudging through eight-foot snowdrifts to argue with the DRB about the shade of green on your garage door.

Do you want some more photos of bare grocery shelves? Yes, yes you do.

Bare shelves 1

Bare shelves 2

The second horseman of Snowpocalypse 2016 is apparently NOT lactose intolerant.

8:18 am, 1/21: Despite the bright sunshine, Fairfax County Schools are closed today, presumably because officials felt students were getting a good enough learning experience with those "21st century skills" like Photoshop and Twittering.

CloseFCPS

See you in April, kids!

10:55 p.m., 1/20:

Kstansbu 2016 Jan 20

The Reston Target on Wednesday night, courtesy of Twitter Operative "Kim." The first horseman of Snowpocalypse2016 (tm) apparently came for the bread.

Have we mentioned this picture was taken approximately 36 hours before the first flakes are supposed to fall?

10:40 p.m., 1/20:

Leaf blowers

Makes total sense. Which is why they'll bring in snowplows to clear the leaves next fall.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Trigger Warning: This Is What Living In A Planned Community Will Do To You

Pipeline Our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought-After South Reston, checks in with this horrifying tale of an HOA resident who went off the earth-toned reservation:

Trigger warning! A micro-aggression has been committed against the Aesthetic Safe Space (or ASS) of Reston -- and the citizenry is in revolt!

Whilst driving his ox cart in the nether regions of Less Sought After South Reston, the Peasant was roused out of his Arctic-induced stupor by the sight of righteous Restonians fighting back against the violation of their earth-toned goodness. We have all seen local utility companies butchering Mother Nature's arboreal children in the name of "tree trimming", telecom companies digging up local roadways just repaved by VDOT, and the like. But at least one rebellious resident has channeled his or her:

A) inner Howard Beale from "Network", shouting out of his earth-toned, DRB-approved-shade-of-brown double-hung window, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!", or

B) inner Sally Field from "Norma Rae", dramatically holding up the UNION sign

So...at the corner of Soapstone and Glade, Reston's own Howard Beale/Norma Rae has expressed in no uncertain terms a verdict about the bright orange and white sign poles that are utility company equivalents of those annoyingly pretentious "Baby on Board!" decals seen on Volvo station wagons rolling around such crunchy granola People's Republics as Takoma Park or Cleveland Park (but certainly not Ashburn).

Right on, micro-aggrieved brother or sister!

Then again...this could be genius-level subliminal messaging by the Democratic Party, because as we all know, just as you can't spell Chipotle without E Coli, you can't spell Eyesore without Winnie the Pooh's BFF Eeyore -- and according to the Wicked-pedia definition, Eeyore is "generally characterized as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, old grey stuffed donkey."

Not that we necessarily think any local politicians fit that description, of course.

If it's open season on eyesores in Reston, we think we're going to need a bigger roll of black electrical tape.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

VY ask VY? Pretentious New Reston Development Names Popping Up Faster Than Bollards

VY

Forget BLVD. Vowel-free living is for renters, silly rabbits! Apparently the new development hawtness for 2016 is inscrutable abbreviations, as we're seeing in the rapidly rising new section of Reston Heights, which apparently stole a (sometimes) vowel from the apartment complex on the other, apparently more Welsh, side of the Toll Road.

That's right, the new mixed-use development rising from the ashes of the not-quite-a-multiplex-turned-midscale chain diner and 7-11 won't be known as "Chilis II: Electric Boogaloo," or even "Popeye's View" as we had hoped. Instead, it will be called -- wait for it -- VY. Give us some good marketing-speak blockquote, BFFs at Reston Now:

VY is an abbreviation of very, and creates a unique word that allows us to inject further meaning into it when the marketing campaign is launched. Once the name VY is inserted within the context of the brand, it will evoke the vitality and velocity of this new addition to Reston Heights.
Funny, we thought it was shorthand for "vie," as in "you'll vie with approximately 30,000 other harried drivers to get to Reston Parkway once this gets built."

It's all about the #brands, people. But why stop there? From a marketing perspective, the rest of Reston is looking as tired as a shag-carpeted conversation pit (also on offer in many of our finer neighborhoods). It's time for a major rebrand:

Reston Town Center: GRTTY

Reston National Golf Course: (tie) Barrister's Delight or THS SPC VLBL

Hunters Woods: HY (short for "HY nuisance crime rates")

South Lakes Village Center: Pirates' Cove

Tall Oaks Village Center: (blank space)

North Reston: Moneybags emoji

South Reston: Reston's Dixieland

That other part of Reston: The '190

Lake Anne: That emoji of a dollar sign with wings flapping away

RA: That emoji of a dollar sign with wings flapping away

At $350/hr for creative branding consulting, that comes to approximately $5.14 in pro bono work. You're welcome, Reston, you're welcome.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Prepare For The DUSTING OF DOOM (tm)

Dusting of Doom

Pay no attention to a sun bright enough to cast shadows. That one cloud above the salt truck in the (otherwise) bright blue sky was all we needed to see to prompt us to slam on our brakes and abandon our car on the shoulder of Reston Parkway. "Do not pass," indeed.

It would be irresponsible to incite panic, but if you're not out frantically buying blankets, flashlights, bread, milk, toilet paper, beer, chewing gum, leaf storage bags, coffee filters, bath bombs, a Mousetrap board game, party packs of frozen flans, industrial-strength hairnets and spare knitting needles, you must have RELAC-chilled ice water running through your veins, the end.