News and notes from Reston (tm).

Monday, August 3, 2015

Lobsterpocalypse Now: Reston Slogan Appropriated By Entire State

Our Favorite Correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, writes in from the road with some shocking news:

Is nothing sacred? Have the lobsterheads no shame? The sense of outrage was palpable when Restonian's roving national correspondent recently took to the open road, headed Down East, and spotted plagiarism that will live in infamy. 
After a Lobsterpocalypse of fine dining in Maine, the Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston was scurrying back to his familiar earth-toned environs when perchance he pulled into the I-95 rest stop at Kennebunk. There he happened to espy a mantra that looked oddly familiar...and suddenly realized that the State of Maine is guilty of flagrant intellectual property rights piracy.

The shifty lobsterheads even attempted to camouflage their heinous crime by adding two commas and an exclamation point, the latter influenced no doubt by how the scion of nearby Kennebunkport's most famous First Family is now no longer plain old "Jeb" but rather "Jeb!"

Live, Work, Play! indeed. This outage shall not stand unchallenged. Two can play this game. In tit-for-tat power politics that will teach the Lobsterheads exactly who they're messing around with, a petition is afoot (or aclaw) demanding the RA begin negotiations with one of America's finest dining establishments to open a Red Lobster franchise in the space formerly occupied by the dearly departed Macaroni Grill. Who needs something called a "lobster pound" (sounds like a shelter for homeless crustaceans) when with any luck we'll have the real thing right here?
Will Maine take the next logical step and demand that its residents follow detailed rules about the use and coloration of mulch and stone? Given the state's current governor, we're thinking no.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Journamalism: Reston Apparently Moves to Long Island

Something about a Patch article about a safety drill at the Wiehle Metro station yesterday seemed a bit... off to us. Careless photo choice... or something more?

After all, our favorite earth-toned community was almost built in Staten Island. That's only a ferry, cab, and two subways away from Grand Central Station, where you can board the train pictured above for such lovely destinations as Greenwich (think Ashburn, only with more and older money and less depressingly shoddy vinyl siding, the end).

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

New Invasive Plant, Wavyleaf Basket Grass, Will Destroy Us All

RED GREEN ALERT: The Reston Association has informed us that a new invasive species has been spotted in our beloved earth-toned community, and not all the goats or Hunger Games-like contests or lily-destroying napalm in the world will save us from being overrun.

"NEW INVASIVE GRASS FOUND IN RESTON," the RA declared in the scariest Facebook post we've seen since our elderly uncle started posting his political beliefs. According to Fairfax County's equally frightening-sounding Early Detection and Rapid Response program, Wavyleaf basketgrass (Oplismenus hirtellus) "is a low-lying, trailing perennial grass that is less than one foot tall. Its flat leaf blades are about one-half to one inch wide and 1.5 to 4 inches long, have elongated pointed tips and are rippled. It is noticeably hairy where the leaf attaches to the stem, although the hairs are very short. Individual stems connect to each other underground. When the plant blooms, from mid-September through November, the grass sends up a spike that has seeds along it. Seeds are sticky and can stick to clothes, boots, etc."


Also remember and never forget: Wavyleaf basket grass looks remarkably similar to two other invasive plants, small carpetgrass and Japanese stilt grass. Our enemy is wily and thrives on deceit. Be prepared.

And if you happen to encounter this fearsome invader? "If you find it, please remove it and place in the trash," the RA post continues, presumably forgetting to add "on your way to your panic room, where you can safely start Googling Ashburn real estate listings." Which is all fine and good if you don't mind the seeds STICKING TO YOUR CLOTHES. And once those nefarious, evil-doing seeds are firmly embedded in your t-shirt, who knows what could happen?


Friday, July 24, 2015

Happy Birthday, Silver Line!

Confidential Twitter Operative "Allison" shared this propaganda leaflet she received at the Wiehle Metro station, reminding us that our favorite E-ticket ride to the wonders of Tysons and the mysterious lands inside the Beltway is celebrating its first birthday. Wow, it seems like only yesterday that we met a fun robot and took our first ride downtown!

We're still waiting for our house to double in value, and even though we pay more than anyone else to ride the rails, we think the Silver Line's been a Good Thing for our beloved earth-toned community, fistfights notwtihstanding, except maybe for those times we need to drive, um, pretty much anywhere during rush hour. Thanks, Loudoun cut-through commuters!

To celebrate the anniversary, Metro is holding a birthday celebration on Sunday, complete with a showing of a movie called Despicable Me, which stars a bunch of bumbling underlings who, despite their best intentions, can't quite seem to get things right. What does that remind us of?
  Broken stairs
Oh, right.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Selfiepocalypse Now: Art Project to Feature Dead-Eyed, Grinning Mugs of Reston Residents

Uniformed federal agents recently delivered this postcard to Restonian World Headquarters and other Reston households, urging us to whip out the selfie sticks and share our hollowed-out, exhausted visages photos for an art project that will cover the brutalist concrete adornments of Lake Anne with brutalist enlarged black-and-white photography. Awesome, and exciting enough that the Action McNews Team came to Reston to shoot some B-roll!

The helpful submission guidelines says "no additional body parts," please, but "let the story of you inspire your expression." Not sure if Reston-themed Snapchats would fit the bill, but you also need to submit a "seven-word bio."

Let's see what those seven-word bios just might look like:

 I am Metal Bob, Destroyer of Woods. 

Stuck on Wiehle. Stuck on Sunrise Valley. 

Sport of kings, except maybe in Reston. 

Get you to work, not the airport. 

Come to Tall Oaks, Wegmans. Pretty please? 

 This space available, depending on the courts. 

 I was here, now I'm gone. Sad.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pirates of Lake Anne: RA Reserves Right to Board Your Illegal Booze Barge

Apparently, the placid lakes that dot our beloved beige community aren't quite what they seem. Along with your friends and neighbors out for a leisurely paddle in a kayak or perhaps enjoying a glass of wine in their booze barge deck boat, there are n'er-do-wells who might exceed "80 pounds of thrust" or have less than "7 cubic feet of float material for each 10 square feet of deck."

It's pretty much the equivalent of being at the mercy of the open seas. The HOA version of the Barbary pirates might even violate the "no wake zone" policy, at least if you consider the tiny ripples a 3-horsepower electric motor can generate at full throttle a "wake." But fear not, nervous boatsmen! The RA has, as they say in the movies, a plan -- or at least a nifty new set of boating regulations (PDF). But don't take our word for it, see what the policy itself says:

So many questions. Along with the DRB drones, is the RA secretly developing a fleet of high-speed stealth boats to send boarding parties, clipboards in hand, to confront illicit deck boats that are "nailed together," instead of being "screwed or bolted" as required on the fourth page of the boating regulations?

At great personal risk and expense, we've managed to catch a glimpse of the RA's impressive skunkworks. Please to be enjoying the grainy footage:

 We don't know about you, but this has convinced us to stop flaunting the rules. No more inflatable boats with fewer than "3 separately inflated chambers" (p. 5) for us!

Update: Confidential Restonian Operative "Arrr" shared this image of what an RA boarding party just might look like:

And our favorite correspondent,  The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, was so moved by the RA's derring-do that he drafted the soon-to-be implemented RA Hymn:

From the Halls of Montessori
To the shores of Triple Crown
We fight our RA's battles
On Lakes Audubon, Thoreau, and Anne
First to fight for mauve and ecru
And to keep the Snakeden clean
We are proud to claim the title
Of earth-toned RA Marine!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Flashback Monday: At Tall Oaks, Past is Prologue

Please to be enjoying this artsy photo of a lone figure strolling into what appears to be an eerily deserted Tall Oaks Village Center Stucco Wasteland, probably sometime in the 1970s. Note the long shadows the eponymous foliage cast over the long-gone walkway, which, along with the solitary figure, were likely intended to add a human scale to the stucco monstrosity in the background. Yet they presage the Tall Oaks we all know so well these days, and no faded memories of plastic fantastic folk bands jamming in the parking lot is going to bring back a grocery store, much less a Wegman's, the end.