Talk About Viral Marketing

Now, we love us our fancypants Reston Wegmans as much as the next aficionado of grocery store poke, but even a marketing person ensconced in the bitter wastelands of upstate New York should know that this may not exactly be the best marketing slogan for an establishment in our plastic fantastic planned community, the end.

There Goes The Neighborhood: In Lake Anne, Milllion-Dollar Townhomes and a Gas Station for Sale

Often mocked as Reston's crumbling, brutalist neighborhood where the 1960s never ended, Lake Anne appears to be getting.... fancy. Or at least regentrified.

Consider the million-dollar townhouses going up next to the new Lake Anne Fellowship House, part of the deal that replaced the original aging high-rise right outside of the Village Center. No shin crackin' concrete playgrounds or jet-age air conditioning here, nosiree! Just your typical 21st century homes, if a little bit "mid" for a seven-figure home, as the kids might have said as recently as two years ago. (Decorum forbids us from mentioning those very Ashburn driveways and "front yards.")

But we digress. With such exciting new homes, you might expect some spillover regentrification. And you'd be right! If you've got an extra $7 million lying around and don't need seven townhomes to build your family compound, you could get on the ground floor of "An exciting opportunity for Mix Use [sic] Development" right off North Shore Drive.

If that address doesn't ring a bell, here's what's there now:

"DO NOT DISTURB THE CURRENT BUSINESS, CALL THE LISTING AGENT TO DISCUSS," the listing reads. Alrighty then!  

Maybe it'll be replaced with some premium gas station that dispenses only the finest imported petroleum and a fleet of rental cybertrucks instead of tawdry moving vans. Nothing but the best for Reston's hottest, most upscale neighborhood!

But wait, what's this?

Only six figures? There goes the neighborhood... again.

Six Decades of Earth Tones? Let's Celebrate!

So Reston turns 60 this year — not a bad run for our favorite plastic fantastic planned community. Like most of us approaching our sixth decade, Reston might have a few wrinkles around the edges, but otherwise still has plenty of vim and vigor to continue living, working, and playing for decades to come. But how does Reston stack up against other people and things from way back in 1964? Let's find out!

Among celebrities born in 1964 are Nicholas Cage (no truth to the rumor that his next film will be called “Raising Audubon”), Jeff Bezos (whose website is slightly more popular and functional than the RA's), Mariska Hargitay (look for her new TV series, “Law & Order: DRB Violation Unit”), Michelle Obama (whose memoir, “Becoming,” is surprisingly not about reviewing the 150-page disclosure binder before buying a Reston townhouse), and Rob Lowe (who will soon launch a spinoff called “Parks & Recreation & Pool/Pickleball Passes”).

But that's not all! The Beatles had five big hits in 1964, including “I Want to Hold Your (DRB-Approved Door) Hand(le).” The Beach Boys were at the top of the charts with “I Get Around (But Have Trouble Figuring Out The Parking App).” And then there were some old standards, like “Hello Dolly (Goodbye Dues),” “Under the Boardwalk (Down By Lake Anne),” and Barbara Streisand's immortal classic, “People (Who Love Earth Tones Are The Luckiest People in the World).”

Also brought to life in 1964? The Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge, which, like its smaller but equally impressive counterpart now spanning Wiehle Avenue, was talked about for decades before it was finally built.

So let's celebrate! As a gift-giving tip, the 60th anniversary is also known as the Diamond Anniversary, and its official color is "diamond white," which is something you'd see in a cluster list of approved trim colors, no notes, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

We're Your Friendly Neighborhood "Web Loggers," And We Approve This Message

Now that the decades-in-the-making cyclovelocitron bridge over Wiehle has finally been inspected and approved, we're coming to appreciate our friends at Station 25 and their puns, apparent love for bombastic 1980s bands notwithstanding. 

And before you gripe too much about how bikers have it made with big socialist projects like "repeatedly delayed bridges," check out the positioning of the fun "bike lane" someone, apparently with an even bigger sense of humor than our firefighters, painted a block south on Wiehle, next to the giant building in the back right of the photo, calling on cyclists to thread the needle between two lanes of dense traffic before invariably getting cut off by inattentive drivers turning on to the Toll Road. We would Wiehle prefer not 2Use that lane, please and thank you, the end.

Breaking: Bridge Broke (Apparently) (Updated)

Scheduled to open to great spandex-waving fanfare earlier this week, the exciting superspan of a bridge allowing cyclists on the W&OD Trail to zip over Wiehle Avenue at speeds approaching Mach 3 is... still closed, with no explanation. When the Restonian On Your Side I-Team went to investigate earlier today, the lack of activity on the work site was palpable, with no work vehicles or equipment in sight, save for a sole port-a-potty. Whatever's wrong apparently isn't a big priority.

Of course, we've been waiting for this bridge, originally scheduled to open in 2021, since 2008, so a few extra days really adds up to a rounding error. And never mind that the bridge already has a nice layer of rust patina, presumably from sitting in some rainy staging area for months (or longer) before it could be hoisted over Wiehle. But zoom out a bit, and you can see some other, less consequential projects that apparently can be put together in slightly less than 16 years:

Something something metaphor for the minimal attention begrudgingly paid to the impacts of development while greenlighting sweeeeet development projects right and left, the end.

Update: Apparently the bridge isn't broken, a fence is. The bridge will remain closed until the appropriate permits are issued, and the county has reinforced the impenetrable cones blocking access for now with (checks notes) "tape and orange fencing" to keep people from posting incriminating selfies of themselves trespassing and whatnot. That'll keep folks out!

Update to the Update: Finally open, and only 16 days late -- a mere rounding error from the heady days when Flo Rida and T-Pain topped the charts and someone thought a bridge over a heavily trafficked road might be a good idea, the end.

Ode to Nextdoor: So Many Questions, So Few Answers

Why is the helicopter flying overhead?

The neighborhood kids are playing ding-dong-ditch again. I have emailed this blurry Ring video to the county police, FBI, ATF, CIA and MI5. Does anyone parent anymore?

Who can fix my 50-year-old air conditioner? The neighbors keep asking us to do something about “Old Grindy” because it makes their house shake, but it keeps our house at a comfortable 82 degrees.

AVOID: This contractor came over to fix my 50-year-old air conditioner. He just put his head in his hands and started weeping gently. Does no one want to work anymore?

FOR SALE: Chair, gently loved, good place to sit. $3500 OBO.

I saw someone I don't recognize walking down my street. Should I call 911 before or after I go to my panic room?

Seriously, why is the helicopter hovering over my neighborhood?

Friendly message from your cluster board: Paint your door one of the one approved colors or face our wrath.  We never forget, and we never forgive, for we are the Thin Mauve Line. P.S. Don't forget the cluster picnic on Friday!

ALERT: A strange man wearing a uniform was wandering around the neighborhood and deposited several items in my mailbox. Should we call the National Guard?

FREE: Chair, minus the upholstery, legs, back, and cushion. Okay, it's a piece of wood, but does no one want to give a perfectly good piece of furniture a little TLC anymore?

The neighborhood kids are now hanging out in the parking lot. Don't they have homework?

Hi, I'm a local government official who has to post here as part of my job. Consider this the equivalent of walking into a crowded room and dropping off a flyer without making eye contact with anyone, then slowly backing away.

Why is the helicopter flashing its spotlight into my window?  

[ This post has been deleted ]

Who is censoring my posts about my petty conflict with my neighbor? What, is this Soviet Russia?

[ This post has been deleted ]

Why has the helicopter landed on my roof? 

Hi, it's the neighborhood kids. We got tired of playing ding-dong-ditch and hanging out in the parking lot, so we created Nextdoor accounts. Why is everyone watching us all the time? 

We went to this restaurant, ordered two glasses of water, and they didn't burst into tears with gratitude for our custom. Does no one understand customer service anymore?

Why is the helicopter pilot and a SWAT team bursting through my attic? 

Can anyone recommend a good lawyer?

 This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

Let's Go Reston!

Based on this blurry cellular telephone photograph shared by a Confidential Restonian Operative this morning, our fellow Restonians are, as one might expect of residents of a community with covenants governing everything from trim color to decorative stone, big fans of jurisprudence. Either that, or there's a NASCAR race scheduled for the Toll Road this weekend (not that you'd notice the difference, the end).