Casinopocalypse Later: Spanberger Vetoes Bill, Used Car Lot Casino Off the Table For Now

V. v. sad news for the people who find their living rooms too devoid of cigarette smoke and sadness to gamble on their phones and the developers who spent more than $3.5 million on their own bet that a fun casino could be built in the complete absence of local support in Reston Tysons Reston Tysons a specific used car lot in Tysons: Gov. Abigail Spanberger has vetoed a bill that advanced relentlessly through the Virginia House, bringing this multi-year saga to an end... at least for this legislative session.

Give us some good blockquote, Action McNews BFFs:

“Local governing boards should lead on proposed casino development, as has happened in every locality that now has a casino,” Spanberger said in a statement. “But in Fairfax County, the Board of Supervisors has explicitly opposed this legislation, and an overwhelming majority of the General Assembly members who represent Fairfax voted against it.”

The casino proposal changed in about a dozen ways in recent months but returned to where it started: with a proposed location in Tysons. The proposal called for funds to be split 70% to the state and 30% to Fairfax County. Fairfax County Board Chairman Jeff McKay told News4 that wasn’t enough.

Reston kept being put on and off the table (as in a meal to be devoured) as the bill twisted and turned, which means it could be back on the table in future legislative sessions.  But for now, we can breathe a sigh of relief, what, with no other unwanted development proposals trying to sneak into our plastic fantastic planned community in whatever way they can, even if it means digging up some badly xeroxed zoning documents which were filed and forgotten before Nixon was president. Right?

Right?

Update: Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn issued a succinct statement thanking Spanberger for vetoing what he called a "bad bill," stating that "we never wanted it and never asked for it."

Words to Live By

Good advice at all times, but especially now, when there's construction and the possibility of a fancy 97-story casino to ensnare all the GS-17s with honeypots to convince them to divulge critical national security secrets about how exactly we strap bombs to dolphins, and, wedunno, lame slot machines and traffic and midscale retail options in Fairfax County's Emerald City, or Paris, or whatever we're calling it these days, the end.

It's Off to the Races!

By now, you've probably heard about the epic drag race between a Lamborghini and a Cybertruck that took place on Rt. 7 in Tysons Corner (given the traffic, they probably both reached a breakneck three miles per hour before hitting a traffic light). While that's all well and good for an area that's angling to replace a used car lot with a casino and all the classy activities associated with them, we in Reston deserve some excitement too! So what can we race?

County planners vs. the DRB. The classic tortoise vs. hare contest. While the planners chase every potential development with dollar signs popping out of their eyes like cartoon characters, the DRB can argue for hours over the positioning of a downspout. The only loser? Our patience.

Cyclists vs. muffler-free cars. Aerodynamic spandex and the fancy new bridge over Wiehle Avenue give the bikers a slight edge, but the folks that roll coal around Reston for hours in cars that sound like someone dropped a roll of quarters into a leaf blower win on decibels.

Roundabouts vs. RTC. If planners get their way in redesigning the intersection of Wiehle and Sunrise Valley, you'll be able to spin around in circles until you reach Warp 2 and literally turn back time. The other will put a butterfly on your car, essentially stopping time.

Spotted lanternflies vs. English ivy. An epic battle of invasive organisms! One flies, the other crawls, but only one is addressed by official recommendations to "squish" it. Clear winner.

Developers vs. golfers. An eternal battle dating back to the 1980 cinematic masterpiece Caddyshack, the golfers have the upper hand... for now. Just watch for the pesky gopher, and by gopher we mean "the aforementioned county planners with dollar signs popping out of their eyes like cartoon characters."

Terraset vs. an inert iron rod. Reston may not rate a rad drag race with a Cybertruck, but our favorite semi-subterranean elementary school bears an uncanny resemblance to one (really, just Google it). It might not move quickly, but we'll take the elementary school over the inert iron rod, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

Kill Bill 3: The Casinopocalypse: Tysons Casino Opponents Seek to Stop, Not Just Delay, Proposal in General Assembly (Updated)

Not satisfied to squash our schoolgirl dreams of spending an hour or six playing the penny slots before getting on the Metro in Reston, or to delay until next year the possibility of building a fun, floating 96-story casino in an abandoned car lot in Tysons, Fairfax's Emerald City, opponents are now urging county residents to help put a Hattori Hanzo sword to the proposal once and for all. 

Give us some good five point palm exploding heart technique blockquote, BFFs at Coalition for a Planned Reston:

The casino bill will be on the agenda of the full Senate Finance and Appropriations Committee on Tuesday, February 6. The Committee Chair will ask the full committee to vote to hold the bill over to the 2025 legislative session. Senator Boysko will offer an alternative proposal to kill the casino bill entirely.

It will help tremendously if there are many Fairfax County residents seated in the room to show support for her motion. This nonpartisan effort is open to all, whether you vote Independent, Republican, or Democrat. There is no better way to show our opposition than to show up in person on Tuesday. Senator Boysko will ask us all to stand to show our support for her motion.

There's a link to sign up to take a free bus to Richmond for Tuesday's hearing, so if you're into sitting in traffic on I-95, holding elected officials accountable to the will of the people, or just standing up when someone asks you to, have at it, the end.

Update: The bill wasn't killed, but it was coldpilled -- continued until the 2025 General Assembly session.

Casinopocalypse 2025: Bill Killed Until Next Year, Providing Respite for Compulsive Gamblers, Tysons Used Car Lots

Sad news for compulsive gamblers, national security threats, and Crystal Koons: The General Assembly bill that would have allowed a fun floating 97 story casino to be built on a used car lot in Tysons, but definitely not Reston, is dead—at least for now. Give us some good legislative blockquote, BFF Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn:

Senate Bill 675 authorizing a casino in Tysons is dead for this year and carried over to 2025, after a vote by the Senate Resource Subcommittee. I'm very happy that the subcommittee members listened to the community and the people elected to represent them. It is a big victory for everyone who cares about good government!

While this is a victory for those in Reston and elsewhere in Fairfax County who expressed opposition to the casino, it's definitely coming back. Give us some good I'll-be-back blockquote, BFFs at Reston FFX Now:

The postponement came despite apparent support for the proposal by Sen. L. Louise Lucas (D-18), who chairs the Senate Finance & Appropriations resources subcommittee and quipped that she’s been called “the casino queen” during the meeting. 

 

Sen. Dave Marsden (D-35), who patroned the bill that would make Fairfax County — specifically Tysons — eligible for a casino, previously told FFXnow that he was hopeful it would pass, noting that Lucas, who also chairs the overall finance committee, “likes [the] bill.”

 Marsden says he’s “disappointed” by the outcome, noting that the vote still keeps the bill alive until 2025. “No one has any other ideas to give Fairfax County a brighter revenue future,” he told FFXnow.

The year delay gives the developer(s) behind the casino a year to replenish their own war chests and build support for the proposal. Given the more than $630,000 they've already sunk into supporting lawmakers who support the bill, this might be just the beginning, the end. 

Casinopocalyse Nearby: RA Declares Victory in Casino Shift To Tysons, Bill Opponents Slide Into Our DMs (Updated)

ZOMG, throw in a couple of floormats and an extended warranty, because as the bill that would create a fun floating casino atop an abandoned car lot in the county's Emerald City wends its way through Virginia's General Assembly, it appears that Reston is really, probably, maybe officially out of consideration. At least the Reston Association is declaring victory in terms of getting the casino out of our backyards:

Senate Bill 675 was officially introduced by Senator David Marsden, and that as a direct result of our advocacy, he intends to exclude Reston as a possible location for a future casino. This is due significantly to the outreach from RA and its membership, and we thank Senator Marsden for meeting with us, listening to the concerns of our community and taking act on that addresses those concerns. We are confident that Senator Marsden will continue to work with us to ensure Reston is not an option in the bill.

This comes as our BFFs at Patch quantify just how much Comstock has donated to our legislature's casino backers: $51,000 to the Senate subcommittee which will determine the bill's fate. That's cheaper than trying to buy a seat on the county board of supervisors, but not when you consider the $637,000 casino backers have contributed to date.

This bit of news did Not Amuse our county supervisor, Walter Acorn, who writes:

There has been some excellent coverage in the local media including the Patch story this morning disclosing various attempts to grease the skids in Richmond. Such news reinforces my opposition to a casino along the Silver Line. 

Meanwhile, we got this Hot Text on our cellular telephone:

When we were warned about people sliding into our DMs, as the kids might have said a few years ago, this is not what we had in mind! The link sends you to a petition site that lets you send a message to state and county lawmakers, all while you watch video of some sweeeeeeeeet gridlocked traffic crawl by in the background. Advocacy has never been more hypnotic! 

Although last week, we saw an even more Northern Virginia reason for opposing the casino:

**National Security Threat: **  

Fairfax County and surrounding areas have a high concentration of personnel employed by the intelligence community. Gambling debt is a key way that other countries could potentially compromise our national security.

Just keep your neighbor who says he works "for the government" away from the penny slots, the end.

Update: On Tuesday, a House subcommittee voted a 4-4 tie on the fun casino legislation, and the vote is going to the full committee on Wednesday. If you want to take a fun bus ride to Richmond, click here. 

Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn weighs in:

I know of at least one group of concerned residents that are meeting at the Hartke Office Building parking lot, 11890 Sunrise Valley Drive, 11 a.m. tomorrow (Jan. 24) to bus and carpool to Richmond on this topic (for more information contact conniehartke@gmail.com). It should also be possible to testify remotely tomorrow, see the senate virtual participation policy. Follow the instructions, including signing up at least a half hour before the committee meeting begins – likely early afternoon.

If you cannot attend personally or virtually, emails are also an option. Here is a link to the committee which lists all members – click on each member to get their email address. Here’s my letter I sent Senator Marsden and committee members earlier this evening. If you care about this issue like I do, please make your voice heard!

Update to the Update: After a 10-4 vote Wednesday, the bill is going to the full Senate finance committee, which could kill it or advance it to the full senate. If the bill passes, Fairfax county residents would get their own vote in a referendum before the fun floating casino could be built. 

Casinopocalypse Now, But Maybe Nearby: Casino Bill Appears to Strike Reston, Tysons Latest Victim

ZOMG, someone get Crystal Koons off the phone trying to upsell some Scotchguarding on that 1995 Camry and down to Richmond: the fun, 96-story casino first proposed by State Sen. Dave Marsden last year appears to no longer have the exotic, semi-occupied parallelograms of Reston in its sights. New legislation introduced by Marsden in this legislative session narrows the language of where the proposed casino could be placed to exactly one (1) spot: an abandoned car lot in the Paris of Fairfax County, Tysons Corner. Those are disappearing fast, but they still shouldn't have too much trouble finding one! Give us some good how-the-legislative-sausage-is-made blockquote, BFFs at ActionMcNews4!

“The eligible host locality described in subdivision A 6 shall be limited to a proposed site for a casino gaming establishment that is (i) located within one-quarter of a mile of an existing station on the Metro Silver Line, (ii) part of a coordinated mixed-use project development, (iii) outside of the Dulles airport flight path, (iv) within two miles of a major shopping destination containing not less than 1.5 million square feet of gross building area, and (v) outside of the Interstate 495 Beltway.”

On Wednesday, Marsden specified that the language actually only allows the casino on one particular parcel in Tysons, on the site of a "defunct auto dealership on Route 7 in Tysons,” he said.

It goes without saying the idea of a casino in Reston has proven... unpopular. The Reston Citizens Association, Rescue Reston, Reston Strong, Save Our Sunrise, and Reston 20/20 joined forces to create Citizens Opposed to Reston Casino (CORC). The Reston Association created a website and wrote a letter formally opposing the idea. They even made a fancy YouTube video:

In his weekly email message this afternoon, Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn said it isn't clear if the proposed car lot casino site is in his district or not, but if it is, "I want to reiterate that I am against a casino in Hunter Mill District and will continue to work to defeat any legislation that could lead to what I consider a bad outcome for our community." Our BFFs at Reston 2020 talked about the social impact of casinos, and pointed out the massive amount of lobbying Comstock has put into the... hospitality field:

So far, it has hired six lobbyists through its hospitality subsidiary and  created “Building a Remarkable Virginia” PAC that has contributed more than $500,000 to Virginia state political candidates (including $109K to Marsden and Sen. Surovell, another local casino proponent).  Virtually all the money is from Comstock executives or others closely associated with Comstock. 

The funny thing is that the ActionMcNews article describing the new bill spoke to an anonymous "interested developer," whose identity we can't possibly guess, except for following all those dollars lined up in a cartoon-like trail from Reston Station straight to Richmond:

An interested developer said on background that a casino alone isn’t their vision. This developer, who asked to remain anonymous given the early stages and competitiveness of such a large project, envisions a casino paired with a large convention center, hotels, restaurants, office space and residences. Some Fairfax County officials have previously opined their desire to have a convention center and/or entertainment venue.

Sounds perfect for Tysons, where as of late last year, you can stroll around the mall with a cocktail in your hand, just like that nearly as entertaining desert mecca in Nevada. And, in fact, there's a casino design that would work perfectly with that  Emerald City marketing concept that was unironically pitched for Tysons Corner a few years back:

Imagine walking out the front door of that glittering green mauvescraper and using your hard-won slots winnings at the Wal-Mart next door, the end.

All Bets Are Off: Farfetched Reston Casino Proposal Rears Its Ugly Head Once More, With Rumors Of Well-Heeled Support (Updated)

We're getting deja vu from another trivial land use case involving Reston, some supposedly underutilized property ripe for redevelopment, and throwing money into a pile and setting it on fire: When the idea of building a fun 97-story floating casino in our plastic fantastic planned community was first floated late in the General Assembly session earlier this year only to be unceremoniously killed, we rolled our eyes, hit "post," and went back to not "web logging" for, you know, six months or so. But, like that other bad idea that simply will not die, the casino is back, baby!

Ante up with some sweeet blockquote, BFFs at Patch:

Comstock Companies wants to build a casino at or near the Wiehle-Reston East Metro Station, several local officials told Patch.

The possibility of a casino being built along Metro's Silver Line in Fairfax County first came to light during the final days before the end of the first half of the 2023 Virginia General Assembly session, when similar bills were introduced by Sen. David Marsden (D-Burke) and Del. Wren Williams (R-Stuart). 

Although Marsden and Williams' bills were both withdrawn, they did not disappear. Marsden told Patch on Thursday that he would likely reintroduce the bill if he's re-elected to the Virginia Senate in November.

What's changed? Apparently, the fact that no one wants to go to work strapping bombs to dolphins for federal contractors in soulless office buildings where people microwave leftover fish in the breakroom and Ted from accounting drops by your cubicle uninvited to ask you if you saw "the big game" while you're desperately trying to finish the TPS report so you can finally leave the office before 8pm for the first time this week hybrid work appears here to stay means that Comstock and others have a reason to explore alternate uses for all those wacky parallelograms they've been building that might otherwise sit vacant. Here's Marsden's nice-office-park-you-have-it-would-be-a-shame-if-a-pandemic-makes-it-marginally-less-valuable pitch to county officials:

"We've started down the road of a severe downturn in the commercial real estate business. People who needed 50,000 square feet of office space now need 5. It's going to devalue the market and there's going to be less taxes because there'll be a lot more in the way of vacancies."

Hey, even Restonian World Headquarters has more than 5 square feet of office space! But we digress. Any proposal would have to go to a referendum, and our local county supervisor, Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn, remains opposed to the whole idea, saying:

"They have not talked with me about it. I oppose putting a casino on the Silver Line and Comstock should be aware of my position on that, it has not changed since I first became aware of casino interest in the Dulles corridor late last year. The land around these stations is already valuable for so many other socially beneficial uses, and plopping a casino into these emerging transit oriented development communities during their formative years is a bad idea.”  

Of course, he'll soon be running for re-election, and given that Comstock was willing to ante up (get it?) $255 per vote in a failed attempt to buy the board seat during the last election, Alcorn may wind up with a horse's head in his bed, electorally speaking. And now, the company is holding a fundraiser for out-of-area state lawmakers at Reston Station, for what we're sure are coincidental reasons:

Perhaps to bolster its efforts to build a casino at or near the Wiehle-Reston East Metro Station, Comstock scheduled fundraisers for two Democratic Party candidates who may be leading the Virginia General Assembly during the 2024 Session.

On Sept 19, Dwight Schar, a former owner of the Washington Commanders and founder of NVR, Inc., and his son-in-law Chris Clemente, who happens to be the CEO of Comstock, hosted a fundraiser for Virginia House Minority Leader Don Scott (D-Portsmouth). If the Democrats regain control of the House of Delegates in November, Scott would likely become the speaker of the house.

Schar and Clemente are also planning to host fundraiser on Oct. 16 for state Sen. Dave Marsden (D-Burke) and Virginia Sen. Scott Surovell (D-Alexandria) at 1901 Reston Metro Plaza, which is also at the Wiehle-Reston East Metro Station.

Your friendly neighborhood "web logger" reminds you that local elections matter, and they matter a lot to companies with stakes.

But again, we digress. Even with the highly specific language in the proposed legislation that would authorize a casino in basically only Reston and a handful of other spots in Fairfax County, there is a Silver Lin(ing)! You see, the county's so-called "Emerald City" already has a vacant hotel in the recently departed Tysons Sheraton, which is conveniently surrounded by a Wal-Mart and a (shrinking) sea of car dealership parking lots. Considering that Virginia's existing casinos are in Bristol, Portsmouth, and Danville, that location seems... let's just say a lot more familiar for casino patrons. Also, for those of us who were raised on bad 80s television, that means we could call our neighbor to the east Ty$ons, the end.

Update: There's now a petition opposing the casino, complete with rad stock imagery:

Meanwhile, in Tysons Corner....

 ...things appear to be getting weird, at least from the window of our E-ticket ride from D.C. to Ashburn (wherever that is):

A mall, a bunch of unimaginative greyscale office buildings and parking garages, and a grossly underutilized bus/cyclorama station for a veneer of "walkable urbanism." Looks like "America's Next Great City" (tm)!!

But wait. Computer, enhance:

ENHANCE:

That whole Emerald City thing is starting to make sense, the end.

Meanwhile To Our East, A Different Kind Of Viva Vienna

We're just a short spandex-clad bike ride from our earth-toned neighbor to our east, Vienna -- where the business district is filled with buildings painted such a narrow range of beiges and browns they make the DRB (hunter) green with envy. But who knew it was a haven of the kind of behavior you'd expect from a tawdry singles group -- or the aforementioned DRB meetings?

Here's the latest from the police blotter:

A resident contacted the police on May 23 after seeing “a man without clothes get inside a hot tub.”

The unwanted encounter occurred around 11 a.m. that day while the resident was walking his dog on the Washington & Old Dominion Trail past the 400 block of Fellini Court SE.

“Officers responded to the residence where the hot tub was located and spoke to the homeowner about the incident,” police said.

Talk about Viva Vienna! Although, to be fair, the aforementioned spandex-wearing folks on the W&OD don't leave much more to the imagination, the end.

All Your BASE Belong to Us: Any Connection to Mystery of Reston's 420' (Heh) Jump?

Everyone is agog at the v. v. exciting news that a 70-year-old grandfather was charged this week in connection with a series of BASE jumping incidents from the tops of under-construction skyscrapers in Tysons Corner and elsewhere in Fairfax County over the past few years.

The person involved has denied any involvement, but all we can say is good on whoever it was -- we certainly hope to be doing more productive things than "web logging" when we hit 70. And we'll just point out that someone made a daring 420 (heh) foot jump off Reston's newest mauvescraper last November, a sign of hope and daring during a time of plague. 

We'll stress, of course, that no one has made any link between that incident and the ones discussed in recent news coverage, and that charges do not equate to convictions.  We wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, after all.

Here's an Action McNews segment, if you're into such things:

   

Straight Outta Tysons? They See Me Rollin' (In Snarled Traffic), They Hatin'

UHHHHHHHHBBBBBHHHHHHHH pic.twitter.com/C8UJ4VHZ9O

— Mina (@maddc8) July 3, 2020

We could point out that Reston did it first (and has the video to prove it), but to be fair, having this displayed on what presumably is a clothing rack with a prominent price tag in a shopping mall is very On Brand for America's Next Great City Emerald City Paris Tysons, the end.

LOL: Dude Who Singlehandedly Made Tysons The Suburban Hellscape With No Future It Is Today Has A Sad About Tysons Being A Suburban Hellscape With No Future

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL:

Northern Virginia real estate legend Til Hazel, who has memories of the Tysons area dating back to World War II and has been instrumental in its development ever since, sees some major challenges facing Tysons' economy and transportation network.

"I wish I could say things about Tysons that were upbeat and optimistic, but I have some serious concerns about the future of Tysons, despite the opportunities that are here and the wonderful things that have happened," said Hazel, speaking Thursday morning at Bisnow's Tysons Takeoff event.

We're assuming the "wonderful things" that have happened include the vaguely dystopian elevated platforms full of cornhole games and half-eaten pancakes, but we digress. Do go on!

"Without adequate transportation, Tysons will stall," Hazel said. "The problem right now is we have a bankrupt Metro system, and the politicians are still kicking the can down the road, which is what they've been doing for 40 years."

[snip]

In addition to improving its regional transportation, Fuller also discussed the need to make it easier to move around within Tysons. “In order for it to succeed, it has to become a place, and it has to become livable," Fuller said. "It has to be a place that you and I want to spend time in. Right now, it’s still two retail centers and a disconnected office market. It has to come together. There are 1,700 acres, more or less, in the Tysons area and they need to be brought together so that those of you that live here can actually get out of your unit and do something here without getting into a vehicle."

What, has he not seen the sweeeeeeeeeet traffic circle?

So's all we need to fix Tysons is a couple of those, whazzitcalled, "sidewalks," plus a functional Metro system and a bridge (or six) across the Potomac. Right? Hahaha,no, because our region's transition to a race-to-the-bottom, Ford Focus economic hellscape is proceeding apace. Mr. Ford Focus himself, GMU's Stephen Fuller, has stepped up the Cassandra-like predictions of doom of late, including these doozies:

Don’t be fooled, Fuller says, by the trappings of prosperity—the construction cranes cluttering skylines all around the Beltway, the soaring housing prices, the proliferation of pop-up bars and tasting menus. Beneath the surface lie markers of impending decay. Since 2010, when budget cuts ended a 30-year run of explosive federal procurement-spending growth, the area has lost high-paying jobs tied to the government and replaced them with positions in less lucrative fields—exotic-cocktail mixologists, child-care workers—impaling the wealth-creating engine that transformed Washington from a sleepy federal city to a dynamic world capital. Fuller says this structural change in the economy is the most dramatic since the end of World War II. And while in years past the Washington area consistently outpaced national benchmarks, he now sees an economy defined by middle-of-the-road growth and, especially in the era of Donald Trump, troubling risks to the downside. If local leaders can’t find a way to wean the region off its dependence on Uncle Sam, he warns, Washington could begin looking less like the vibrant, cosmopolitan hub it is and more like the provincial administrative outpost its original architects envisioned.

“Boston is almost three times our growth rate. Atlanta, Houston, Seattle around four times. And Dallas more than five times,” Fuller tells the audience. “The reason we have been struggling is obvious: We are a company town, and our company stopped spending more money here.”

Obviously, this has implications for our own plastic fantastic planned community as well as Tysons. Consider this nightmare scenario:

As the dysfunction in Congress drags on, the government eliminates some 30,000 federal employees and contractors. The unemployment rate doubles. Spin studios in Bethesda go under, artisanal grocery stores in Dupont Circle close. New construction grinds to a halt; developers walk away from half-finished projects. Flowers at building entrances shrivel and die.

BUT WHAT OF THE CUPCAKERIES AND POKE SHOPS?

Judging by this ad that recently replaced the WHO'S YOUR BABY'S DADDY ads that usually pop up on this filthy "web log," we're not sure everyone's getting the net, as the kids used to say about two decades ago:

At least one Til clone is woke semi-aware of the implications of this trend:

Like the rest of the region, Tysons also has to address its housing affordability, Clemente Development CEO Dan Clemente said. Clemente, who has proposed a 2.8M SF Tysons mixed-use development with the region's tallest tower, said Tysons does not have enough workforce housing in the range of 65% to 85% of area median income. "We have issues, because I don't believe we're doing enough about workforce housing," Clemente said. "If those people can't live here — the people who are working in Tysons today, the secretaries, the bartenders, the waiters — if they can't live here in Tysons, you don't have a city."

To be fair, that's a more honest assessment than Reston's current developers appear to be willing to make. But we're sure that if the worst comes to pass, those mixologists, or whatever, will still be happy to drive their Ford Foci all the way from Sterling (which will then be run by Master Blaster) to pay for parking at our elite town center in order to pick up an $11 salad, the end.

Maybe Tysons Will Be Like Paris After All

Behold the future of Tysons -- a massive, rage-inducing traffic circle where a cloverleaf intersection is today. That's right, what looks like 97 lanes of gridlocked traffic along Rt. 7 and Rt. 123 could someday come together in a smoothly flowing traffic circle, which may or may not be underground (but since Metro's fancy tunnel is right there, presumably it would have to be dug down to Sleestak levels).

So says this teevee news person, apparently with a straight face. This other guy calls the Rt. 7/123 interchange a "historic intersection" (what, did George Washington get into a fender bender there on his way to the now-closed Mortons?) Because irony died sometime earlier in this presidential election cycle, or maybe around the first time Tysons was compared to Paris, he then compares the proposed interchange to that lesser city's L'Etoile, which is a French word which loosely translates to "terrifying hellscape of dented French cars colliding with each other".

They provided this fancy rendering of what this might eventually look like, but we think it's unrealistic. As Tysons spirit animal Paris knows well, you have to put a monument that captures the essence of the city in the center of such an impressive traffic control feature. They have that ugly arch thing, but what would capture the frisson, both past and present, of America's Next Great City for the Tysons circle?

Perfect -- or as they'll soon be saying in Paris-like Tysons, parfait.

Brilliant: Metro Seeks to Address Declining Ridership By Closing Silver Line Stations

After seeing ridership steadily decline in recent years, Metro has, as they say in the movies, a plan: close the majority of its brand new Silver Line stations during off-peak hours. That'll solve the problem!

This is one of a variety of proposals floated in a draft presentation (PDF) of Metro's budget proposals for FY2018. Metro is already making plans to privatize parking at most stations, though probably not at Wiehle (and given how the invisible hand of the free market brought us $13 one-way tolls on the Beltway express lanes, we're excited to see how that works out). And further cuts in service and/or fare increases seem as inevitable as the next track fire or inexplicable single track delay.

Of course, this silver-filled trial balloon is part of a ploy to blackmail encourage Fairfax County and the other jurisdictions that Metro serves into ponying up more money to keep the beleaguered system afloat. And it might work! After promoting Tysons Corner as the next Paris hip urban center, the county isn't going to want all those new fancypants skinny jeans wearing, city-loving residents in Tysons' two ugly high-rises to lose access to their Metro stations in the evenings or the weekends. How would they get to the 9:30 Club, or any other amenities of a real city (with the possible exception of the Container Store) otherwise?

This kind of bloggy outrage is exactly what Metro is hoping to stir up with a proposal like this. Still, it's not a great sign of confidence in the future of your system when your plan to turn around declining ridership is to basically close most of your newest stations most of the time. But for a dysfunctional system, it's par for the course.

Scenes From a Mall: A Stroll Through 'America's Next Great City,' Or At Least Some Jetsons-Like Elevated Platform

Now that Tysons Corner has rebranded itself "America's Next Great City" (tm), we thought it was high time to discard our tired jibes about its decidedly unurbane, strip-mall and Crystal Koons car lot past. That was so 2014! Sprawl is out, dense, urban living is in, silly rabbits, and Tysons is poised to become the next Paris, or Emerald City, or whatever we're branding calling it now.

So we got a day pass to leave Reston and decided to check out America's Next Great City (tm). Of course, to do so, we had to go to the mall. And then walk past a bunch of desperate kiosk retailers selling aftermarket cellphone cases and up three levels to discover the Jetsons-like grassy elevated knoll that is the central gathering place where the Tysons elite will meet and greet on their way from Lord and Taylors to the Metro... and back again, earning and consuming over and over, for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.


HELLO, NATURE. Unlike smelly old first-generation cities with their gridlocked surface streets, America's Next Great City (tm) will have grassy spaces adorned by futuristic metal flanges elevated 100 feet above the gridlocked surface streets. And birds!


Or at least statues of birds. Next best thing.

America's Next Great City (tm) will also have myriad opportunities for entertainment. BEHOLD!


Cornhole OR table tennis. Our cup runneth over.


When we rewrite the Constitution after the revolution, "Where the Stores Are" will be a great preamble.


We weren't sure if this was art or not-quite-finished art. If the goal of public art is to confound, then this definitely works. But hey -- Shake Shack!

And finally, as we prepared to leave, we saw this next to our car:


Why yes, that's a discarded, half-eaten pancake. Apparently in America's Next Great City (tm), the appetites don't quite meet the ambitions just yet. There's probably a metaphor there, but we've got a newly purchased aftermarket cellphone case to try out, the end.

Flash-Forward Monday: Silver Line Trains Reach 88 Miles Per Hour, Jump Back to the Future

Twitter user "Jake" posted this exciting photo while waiting for a Silver Line train that, presumably, has managed to break free from the shackles of its speed-limiting software, reached 88 miles per hour, and jumped to a future where the Dulles station is currently open. What else would you see on this magical mystery Metro tour? A Tysons Corner that has finally reached its soaring Paris-like aspirations, or at least bedazzled the monorail-like pilings and maybe slapped some green paint on a few more parking lots to attract roving food trucks? Closer to home, will our awesome heliport finally be built? Will the Tall Oaks Stucco Wasteland be transformed into a viable, community-scaled village center bunch of high-rise apartments? All you'd have to do is board this train to find out, assuming it doesn't get stuck somewhere under Arlington while "single-tracking," whatever that is.

Or maybe we're reading too much into this sign. Maybe Metro, bowing to reality, is now simply displaying the number of years until the first Silver Line train reaches the airport, the end.

Forget Paris II: Why Reston, Not Tysons, Could Be the Electric Boogaloo of the 21st Century

We've had lots of fun talking about all the creative branding efforts to transform "Fairfax County's downtown" from a gridlocked collection of ugly office towers and car dealerships into Paris a 21st century city.

Turns out, though, that's not exactly what's happening, at least if you look at where companies are actually setting up shop in a commercial real estate market that could charitably be described as "soft":

Reston is dominating the Northern Virginia office market, with companies sometimes willing to pay 30 percent or more in rent to be in Reston Town Center instead of other neighborhoods, according to research from the real estate services firm Cushman & Wakefield.

But vacancy in Northern Virginia and the Rosslyn-Ballston corridor in particular have risen dramatically recently. Meanwhile, the vacancy rate in Reston has plunged downward in the last few years as companies scramble into available space... Some of the newer offices in Tysons are shaping up as strong competitors to buildings in Reston, particularly those that can offer closer access to the Silver Line than Reston Town Center will be able to. But the plan for Tysons is four years old. The plan for Reston is 50 years old. That’s a 46-year head start.

IN YOUR FACE, TYSONS! It's almost as though people prefer the human-scaled, walkable environment of our ersatz downtown to Crystal Koons, Wal-Mart and endless traffic, even if there is a parking lot painted green to lure in the food trucks and whatnot.

Even stories focusing on future growth in Tysons amid a generally bleak office market in Northern Virginia acknowledge this inconvenient truth:

Reston Town Center — where a fifth new metro station opened — is the county’s second largest business center. It has 19.8 million square feet of office space, just behind Tysons, which has 26.3 million square feet. Reston’s vacancy rate is 1 percent, says Hardy. In Tysons at mid-year the rate was nearly 17 percent.

A 1 percent vacancy rate is pretty much unheard of. Who knows, maybe they counted the rats.

But there is, as they say in the movies, a snag. Our BFFs at Reston 2020 point out that this advantage may be short-lived if Reston's infrastructure doesn't keep up with the increased bollardy densities that have already been approved for future development:

That Reston plan was updated last year with much greater commercial and residential density as part of the Reston Master Plan process. Indeed, the planned infrastructure to support Reston Town Center's development would choke trying to support the kind of development planned at Tysons. In fact, we believe its transportation, education, and parks & recreation planning for Reston Town Center is terribly inadequate even for the densities now planned there and well below existing County planning standards and guidelines. As a result, the Town Center area will be less able to handle traffic and meet the recreational needs of its residents, workers, and visitors than Tysons if they both develop as their new plans propose.

Maybe long term Tysons will turn out to be the better, more walkable, more accessible, more attractive mixed-use urban area than Reston's Town Center. We certainly hope not, but that is what the two plans currently offer!

SICK BURN. It's yet another reminder of the need to hold our elected county officials accountable for all the shiny new things that were promised along with the Metro and added development it brings. Failing that, we could always try painting a few parking lots green -- that is, if there are any left, the end.

Forget Paris Again: Tysons Now A Combination of Venice, Central Park, and St. Louis

Now that Tysons has been transformed overnight from a car-clogged hellscape combining the worst of the suburban and urban experience into an exemplar of future cities, only with better retail, it's time to reset our expectations for "Fairfax County's Downtown."

In a simpler, less aware time, planners were quick to compare Tysons with Paris and the Emerald City -- with straight faces, even.

But now that we've seen the wonders of Tysons from a cracked lot of asphalt and the elevated vantage point of the Silver Line, we know that these ideas were wrong -- all wrong. Let the person fawning articles describe as the architect of the 'New Tysons' explain to us how it's all kinds of awesome places, rolled into one fantastic amalgamation of ugly office buildings and chain retail 21st century city!

Caplin describes the Tysons of tomorrow with a romantic fervor. In his telling, the new plaza being built near Tysons Corner Station is the Piazza San Marco. The slope he’s pegged for winter sledding will rival Pilgrim Hill in Central Park. The gigantic trestles shouldering the Metro, if decorated, might become as iconic as St. Louis’s Gateway Arch. One member of the partnership recently gave Caplin a painting of what Tysons could someday look like: an elevated train glides away from an imposing crowd of skyscrapers, above an insignificant trickle of cars. “It shows the density and the vitality,” Caplin said. “That’s what it’s going to be. It’s not Manhattan, but it’s going to be a big deal.”

We all know that Tysons isn't going to be Manhattan. That distinction is reserved for us.

From Paris to the Emerald City to Asphalt Painted Green: Tysons Just Can't Help Being Tysons

Even in a fawning article praising the reworking of Tysons Corner, it sure sounds like the folks in "Fairfax County's Downtown," the cloverleaf intersection of car dealerships and ugly office buildings, are starting to manage expectations a bit, if by "a bit," you mean "they're going to paint part of a parking lot green to make it look like a park and hope the food trucks show up."

SRLSY:

Because the permanent green spaces that Tysons has planned will take time to create, the Meridian Group... will be installing a "pop-up pocket park" in an asphalt lot called Greensboro Green, says Caplin. "Meridian is spending a lot of private money to make this parking lot green and beautiful and pedestrian friendly," says Caplin. They're bringing in potted trees and sod and artificial turf, even painting asphalt green to give workers in the office towers that ring the site a place to convene outdoors and enjoy the wares of the food trucks parked there this summer. The pop-up park is on track for the end of June.

First, we were told the "new Tysons Corner" was going to look like Paris. Then it was going to look like the Emerald City (maybe that's where the idea of green asphalt came from). Now? Sounds like they're settling for Arlington.

Tysons hopes to emulate redevelopment in the Ballston and Clarendon sections of Arlington County (anchored to Metro stops, on the Orange Line in this case), which boast a vibrant, pedestrian-friendly combination of residential buildings, restaurants, and retail shops.

Could do worse, we guess. Besides, lookit these exciting renderings!



EDGY.

And of course, this is what's there now:

Is that Rt. 7, or the car dealerships next to Rt. 7? One can never tell.

Because we love to hate Tysons, here are a few other comments from this article, devoid of all that pesky context:

Amputating "corner" from the Tysons name is an attempt to revise its history as an archipelago of office towers and chain stores surrounded by vast oceans of parking lots — "44 million square feet of unmitigated traffic hell," as Christopher Leinberger, an urban development scholar at the Brookings Institution and George Washington University, puts it.

Jerry Gordon, head of the Fairfax County Economic Development Authority, says that until a CVS opened on Leesburg Pike just outside the Beltway this year, "You couldn't buy a Band-Aid in Tysons. Or a pencil."

Belmar doesn't look at all like Tysons. (Actually, it looks a lot like Reston Town Center, a 24-year-old mixed-used development not far from where Phase One of the Silver Line will terminate.) But it does look like something that several different patches of Tysons might individually become, huddled around each of those four new Metro stops like campfires.

In mid-May, the county's Board of Supervisors approved a proposal by Capital One, which already has a 26-acre campus in Tysons, to build a new 470-foot-tall office tower. When finished, it will be the second-highest occupied structure in the region, after the Washington Monument.

Wait. Who lives in the Washington Monument?

And finally:

Clearly Tysons is its own beast.

Can't disagree with that.