As Reston starts a new, somehow even more elite year, our fabulous fake downtown has, in fact, implemented paid parking. But what if you forget, or maybe "forget," to download the fabulous Park RTC app, follow the 34-step registration process which at least probably doesn't translate your personal information into Cyrillic for the convenience of our new Russian data overlords, and then use your stubby fingers to (hopefully) enter your license plate number? What fresh hell awaits parking scofflaws in our new world order?
They won't boot your car, silly rabbits! That's like something you'd see in a real icky downtown, where
poors people might not even have the means to pay for a smartphone and data plan to manage their parking when they pull their late model domestic vehicles over to stop at a "bodega," or whatever, because they don't have elite midscale chain shopping options like cupcakeries and gourmet salad places. Instead, you'll experience a premium parking enforcement experience:
Repeat offenders could be stuck with the “bumblebee,” a device that is suctioned to the windshield so a driver cannot see out to drive a car away. To get the device removed, they must call security and pay a $35 fee.No word on whether the suction cups are made of premium velvet.
The funny thing is that this device is usually called a "barnacle." But we guess the elite crisis management team advising RTC decided that sounded too crusty and reminiscent of non-elite seaside villages where a different class of people say things like "chowda" and "wicked sad bah scene," so they "rebranded" our parking immobilizer of choice to fit in with our more sophisticated sensibilities.
We haven't seen our first bumblebee in the wild as of yet, as we carb-binged on midscale chain appetizers over the weekend while parking was still free. And the crisis management folks said that they'd gradually ramp up enforcement. But just as certain as spring, they're coming.
Update: The RTC
crisis management charm offensive continues. Feast your eyes on this explanation of how to (maybe) get your parking validated.
Somehow this Proustian explanation doesn't include the actually useful tidbit that not all validations are valid in all RTC garages (what?), but that's somewhat moot since our eyes glazed over somewhere around the fifth line of text until the all-caps SESSION OPTIONS jolted us awake again, the end.