News and notes from Reston (tm).

Friday, April 1, 2016

BREAKING: Reston Town Center Apparently Too Elite For The Town It's In, Move to 'Great' Falls Likely Imminent

RTC Leet

Why will our beloved fake downtown gritty urban core soon require intrepid urban explorers seeking an undiscovered bohemian chain retail experience to pay for parking? Because it's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like it!

Haha, April Fool's! Give us the real reason, BFFs at Reston Now, ideally in some infuriating blockquote:

“We are an elite destination location,” RTCA Executive Director Robert Goudie said, reiterating that Boston Properties is “not a non profit location.”
That's shocking. Driving by, you'd think RTC was pretty hard up for cash and all.

So why is RTC so LEET (or L33T, depending on your level of nerdiness), as the kids haven't said in a few years? Sometimes you see cops on horses there, or even a spontaneous flash mob or two. That's kind of elite. It's inspired some fairly elit(ist) think pieces. Some of the "guests" are pretty elite, especially during holidays. Like Halloween, for instance:

Leet crime

Charcoal-on-paper sketch artists at festive gatherings? ELITE.

Our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, also points out that this filthy "web log" may have been the first to associate the term "elite" with RTC. So we only have ourselves to blame, it seems. Besides, paid parking will help keep the loitering teens riffraff out.

To be fair, RTC management also made some decent points about residents abusing the garages and whatnot, and said something about "transportation demand procedures" being included in the original development proffer. But the bottom line: paid parking is a done deal, peasants, so deal with it.

In conclusion, quit your whining, peons! Or don't be surprised if you see a long line of 18-wheelers packing RTC up and hauling it to somewhere that deserves it, like "Great" Falls or Paris the Next Great American City.

We just hope we get to keep the Triffids.


  1. I think we should retaliate and charge them toll to use our peasant roads to get to their elitist RTC!

  2. Capt. Jack Obvious (USAF-Ret.)April 1, 2016 at 3:18 PM

    People will complain for a while, then pay the parking fees once they are put into place. The chain places will absorb any validations as the cost of doing business.

    The people who will be screwed? Hourly employees and the handful of small businesses still at RTC. Same as it ever was.

  3. This just in: BP has announced in order to enhance visitor experience a screen will be place around the fountain and a small fee ($11.98) will be charged to actually view it.

  4. Are they planning to charge people to use the restrooms too? That's the logical next step for these moneygrubbers.

    1. Peasant From Less Sought After South RestonApril 5, 2016 at 3:48 PM

      Yes, and Boston Properties is also considering an hourly $2.00 fee per personal lawn chair used at the outdoor Saturday evening concerts in the summer.

    2. A coin slot to get into a restroom is definitely NOT elite. Rumor has it they'll be charging by weight (or volume).

  5. Sadly, you're not elite enough to use the proper "1337."


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