News and notes from Reston (tm).

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

RA To Downsize Covenants Enforcement Department, Replace It With High-Tech Drones (Updated)

Lake Anne 2In what was described as a "cost-cutting move prompted by the need to hire additional staff to count write-in ballots," the Reston Association announced it was downsizing its entire covenants enforcement staff, effective April 1.

However, don't break out the fuchsia paint and lawn statuary just yet -- our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought-After South Reston, has made a chilling discovery:

This item from the Washington Post made me think we are facing a far, far more sinister threat. Nova Labs, located not far from the old RA World Headquarters -- conspiracy theory, anyone? -- claims its purpose is "empowering everyone to rediscover the joys of making things." But then we read about its interest in such things as drones, laser cutters, and robots, among others, and we must ask ourselves, "Can Skynet be far behind?"

We suspect that, cleverly hidden in its classified "black" budget (you didn't really believe those no-smoking signs on the trails costs that much, did you?), the RA has a contract with Nova Labs to design and build a fleet of robotic drones equipped to seek out and destroy -- you guessed it -- red mulch. We are talking here, of course, about the much-rumored DRB Predator drones armed with deadly Mulchfire missiles, possibly the most highly classified project in the U.S. aerospace industry since the Aurora spy plane.
At great personal risk, we have managed to obtain footage of these new drones being tested within the supposedly vacated premises of the old RA Headquarters building:


Barring a completely unanticipated development of sentience and, inevitably, global domination, the transition to drone-based covenants enforcement is expected to be complete by April 1, 2015.

Update: For those of you who think this is some hack-y April Fool's prank (not that we've ever stooped so low before), here's a press release. There are photos and everything, so it must be true!
At Nova Labs, engineers have been working tirelessly on a secret project to build a drone fitted with infrared video cameras and programmed with algorithms specifically tailored to the needs of Reston Association covenant enforcement.

“Our drones can monitor and detect a host of things that normal covenant enforcement officers can’t, unless they have infallible memory, can fly, and can see in the dark,” said Brian Jacoby, President of Nova Labs.

The drones will initially be responsible for:

* Analyzing exterior house paint and matching against RA-approved color palette
* Verifying gutters have been cleaned
* Roof scanning to detect illegal modifications
* Identifying illegal trees and shrubbery
* Identifying dogs being walked off leash
* identifying owners who do not pick up after their dogs
* Identifying roadkill
* Confirming paths and streets have been cleared of snow
* Confirming lawns are at or below RA-approved height
* Confirming lawns match RA-approved hue and color
* Identifying cars parked on lawns
* Identify owners hosting an excessive number of guests and visitors
* Identifying groups of youth congregating
* Identifying youths violating curfew
* Identifying broken street lights
* Confirming trash cans are not present on non-trash days
We're through the looking glass, folks.


  1. We've found the ring leader. Be at peace, resident #343201. We here at Nova Labs only want to make things better.. and I think we can all agree that drones orbiting the reston airspace is a lot better than a car driving around.

  2. Wow, looks like its true:

  3. Drats. My local Teacher Supply store has back ordered the Mr. Science Directed Electro-Magnetic Pulse (EMP) Generator kits.

  4. Are you Sarah Marsden?

  5. if it were only true -- at least the second part of that first sentence!


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