DRB Discovers 'Track Changes' Feature in Microsoft Word, Gives Us Migranes

So the Reston Design Review Board has decided that it's time to make sweeping changes to the Gutenberg Bible of Reston, its giant design guidelines booklet (large, annoying PDF file at link). Okay, so maybe that makes it the Steve Gutenberg Bible, but it's still very, very exciting to see that the 1970s are being brought forward to the... well, 1980s!

The RA Board will be discussing these many exciting changes at its regular meeting Thursday. So break out the legwarmers and Rubik's Cubes, and let's see what the DRB has in store for us. As our favorite informant, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, points out, "the DRB helpfully highlighted the proposed changes, ironically enough, in a non-DRB approved shade of bright red." Among the highlights:

•  No red mulch! No white stone! As the Peasant points out, "Only shades that Joe McCarthy would approve -- no Commie-colored mulch allowed in the People's Republic of Reston!"

• Compost bins must be NO MORE THAN THREE FEET HIGH, or else the DRB will borrow some of the heavy equipment from the stream deforestation restoration project and cut them down to size for you.

• Fencing can only have single gates -- double gates are now verboten. Time to start that diet! Also, chain link fences have gone from "generally not appropriate" to emphatically "not appropriate." The earth-toned fist of justice strikes again! On the other hand, they're considering allowing "composite materials" for fences, so long as they "closely match" the appearance of natural wood. Are our standards slipping? There are entire subdivisions in Loudoun County that closely match the appearance of natural wood.

• Only two political signs are allowed per yard, and they must be "well crafted and durable." The same can't be said for most of the politicians they represent.

But that's not all! The DRB has also added a section about "public art," and surprisingly, they're all for it! Public art, they say, is awesome and should "encourage community identity, creativity and pride through artistic expression and to enhance the aesthetic appeal in public spaces through harmonious, appropriate artwork." Wow. Just make sure you provide sufficient lighting and seating for the multitudes to enjoy your creatively expressed meditation on man coexisting with nature (i.e., your collection of pink flamingos and other lawn statuary), or be prepared to face the DRB's wrath.

And for some reason, the DRB has gone from recommending to requiring scale models of many large-scale projects. Maybe after their meetings, the DRB plans to pull out their Playmobil figurines and play everyone's favorite children's game of yesteryear, "earth-toned real estate development planner."

Finally, there's also a whole new section about security cameras and other systems, but at this point we started nodding off. Suffice it to say that any security systems involving moats with sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads probably will require DRB approval, the end.