You've Got Ring Around the Cluster: The Heartbreak of Drought and Dried Out Concrete

Growing up in the fab 1970s, we learned that the absolute most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to someone was to be caught in public with ring around the collar. Now, with the ongoing lack of rain, we're noting that some of our favorite water-adjacent clusters have their own unsightly stains. Oh, the humanity!

Please to be noting this SHOCKING cellular telephone photo, with the comical light fixture and its incandescent lighting hovering in the foreground as silent judge, jury, and executioner:

A little club soda will get that out!

While we keep our fingers crossed for rain, perhaps the RA could learn something from this helpful instructional video for housewives HOAs:

We don't know who the child actor relentlessly mocking their father in this ad is, but we're guessing she ended up all right, the end.

RELAC Didn't Do It: With Yet Another Closure, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Maybe for Good This Time (Updated)

Sad news for fans of humid air, peeling wallpaper, and jet-age technology: RELAC announced Friday that it is discontinuing operations, saying that “rising operating costs, aging infrastructure, and a decline in participation have made it impossible to sustain the utility in a reliable, safe and financially responsible way.”

The Reston Association quickly issued a statement saying it's not involved and has no oversight over RELAC, not our problem nosiree!, but just the same reminded property owners not to forget Section VI.3(d)(15) of the Reston Deed.  For those of you who haven't committed the Deed to memory as required in that thick binder of disclosure documents you signed when you bought your home, that's the part about requiring homes with RELAC connections to use it and not that new-fangled "air conditioning" people keep prattling on about. (Presumably Section VI.3(d)(16) has something about bell bottoms being part of the mandatory Reston dress code, but the dog ate our dog-eared copy.)

But we digress. Similar closure news happened a couple of years back, but there was talk then about turning it into some socialist co-op, and then RELAC was handed over to a contractor, and the tepid air kept a'comin', except when it didn't. Residents reported multiple outages this summer, with temperatures inside some homes reaching 85 degrees or higher. 

Other homeowners reported that the system stopped working on Friday. Your intrepid Restonian On Your Side I-Team Action McNews correspondent had noticed earlier in the week that unsettling grinding and clanking noises were coming from the RELAC machinery near Lake Anne, but attributed them to the incredibly low water levels of rain-starved Lake Anne, which provides the juice for the system, if by "juice," you mean "tepid water for the tubes."

What will RA leadership do? Give us some good blockquote:

RA leadership will be meeting to discuss next steps in the coming days and will keep affected members updated on the process. For the latest information, please continue to visit the RELAC page on RA’s website.

We will! Referenda to remove the RELAC requirement failed in 2024, 2015 and 2008. We're guessing it won't fail again if put up to a vote. 

For all our jokes made comfortably within the air-conditioned nerve center of Restonian World Headquarters, RELAC's latest shutdown is still a shame. In the heat of the summer, it's nice to walk through neighborhoods without the sound of individual AC units droning away, but it's probably nicer to have a home or business that doesn't feel like a sauna. The RA did provide a medical opt-out for the system, which multiple operators have said siphoned off enough customers over the years to make the math not math. So not a great situation for anyone involved, and a little bit of what made Reston a little bit different when it was founded is likely going away. 

So pour one out for RELAC, but leave that drink of choice out of the fridge for at least 45 minutes before doing so, the end. 

Update: According to this, roughly one-quarter of RELAC households had been given the cough cough sneeze sneeze "allergy" exemption this year, much like our decidedly non-allergic college roommate when we lived in an un-airconditioned dorm. Hard to see how anyone could keep the system sustainable that way.

Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn has weighed in as well: 

Now is the time for the homes and businesses that relied on RELAC to plan for how they'll meet their cooling needs next summer. This is why I've reached out to the Waterview, Hickory, Washington Plaza, Wainwright, Coleson and Governor's Square Clusters and the Vantage Hill and Lake Anne condo associations. I've inquired about their plans, as well as asked what, if anything, the county may be able to do to help like expediting permitting for new cooling systems. RELAC has always been a private utility, however. So, homeowners will need to find alternatives soon before the summer heat returns.

And now the Reston Association has weighed in. Noting that the utility has not formally issued an intent to dissolve, the RA states:

Reston Association is not affiliated with nor does it have oversight over RELAC and so must await formal notification as to either the formal closure of the company or of a new owner/operator who intends to continue service.

In the meantime, RA is still expeditiously processing medical exemption forms from RA members affected by RELAC who have a need to install individual cooling units in their homes. Cluster members with a medical need must receive a medical exemption from the Covenants Committee prior to submitting a DRB application for an HVAC system. Eligible members can complete the medical exemption form and DRB application for HVAC at any time.

At this time, properties subject to the covenant, without an approved medical exemption, will not be permitted to install exterior HVAC systems.

In the meantime, a Confidential Restonian Operative sent us this cellular telephone photo of a RELAC customer waiting for their home to cool down during the most recent heat wave:

We'll Leave the (Burnt Orange) Light on For You

The last year has seen one big change in Reston--not one, but two fancy new hotels have opened their doors with amenities that would have been unthinkable when our plastic fantastic planned community was founded. Rooftop bars with views of bland glass boxes rivaling those in, say, downtown Dallas! Multiple dining "concepts," for those who find "food" too commonplace! Rare bourbons, not the stuff in plastic bottles once made right here in Reston for folks at a certain state school!

Now, we're simple folk who usually stay at lesser hotel brands, ones where you can park right outside your front door and walk down a "breezeway" to get ice from a machine that sounds like a broken rock tumbler. But we do think these hotels would benefit from a little more...Reston.

Instead of rooftop bars, why not a sunken conversation pit? Nothing sparks lively conversation and good times like stepping down into a living space muted by thick wall-to-wall carpeting.

Instead of pricey wooden and textile finishes to signal contemporary good taste, why not poured concrete? If it was good enough for generations of Reston kids to play on, it's good enough for a C-level executive flying into town for an in-person "standup," whatever that is.

Gyms with ellipticals and weight racks are great, but to get your guests' heart rate really pumping, why not provide bikes and point them to the W&OD? They'll be in tip-top shape, assuming they don't get run off the trail.

Instead of valet parking, why not offer baffling color-coded garages, inscrutable rules about when you can park for free, and an app to provide the true Reston experience?

Everyone loves room service, but we love chain dining even more!

And, of course, what busy business person doesn't love golfing when they're not busy doing business? Might want to hurry up and get those guest passes while they're still available, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.