News and notes from Reston (tm).

Friday, July 16, 2021

Invasion of the Parking Snatchers: Bikeshare Stations Descend on Unsuspecting Reston Neighborhoods, Causing Panic, Mild Chafing on Humid Days (Updated)

 Check out this weird piece of debris that recently fell onto Ring Road, presumably from outer space (monolith and all). Ha ha, we kid! It’s actually part of the long-anticipated second phase of Capital Bikeshare, a secret quasi-governmental project to discretely plant bright red monoliths in our neighborhoods to wean all of us from our Ford Foci and mandate cycling to all points near and far in the name of GLORIOUS SOCIALISM, which as we all know is symbolized by the only thing more fear-inducing than the dreaded hammer and sickle (a bicycle). Plus each one appears to be powered by/report back to its socialist overlords using a SOLAR PANEL, which is just the craziest thing since someone decided to bury a school in the ground to save a few bucks on the electric bill.

We digress. The recent flurry of activity is more than doubling the number of socialist cycling cells in our plastic fantastic planned community. When all’s said and done, there will be 35 operating stations — but oddly, only three in more sought after North Reston. Capitalism wins (for now!)

Now, we’re all for bikes and socialisms and whatnot, but we’re wondering about the location of some of these new stations. Given the Ring Road station’s location in the MIDDLE OF RING ROAD, we’re thinking it’s going to need bigger (and more fanciful) bollards than those scrawny white things to keep the bikes from being clipped by happy motorists on the regular. Then there’s the one that descended on Fairway Drive:

Wow, where are people going to park now? Its appearance apparently also attracted a uniformed agent, pictured here probing (or being probed by) the strange alien device.

Then there’s this one subtly blending into the shadows on Inlet Court — which is at least a cul-de-sac. The odd thing is there’s a bus stop about 150 yards away, which would be a logical, and maybe even helpful, spot for a bikeshare station — but it’s completely invisible from it. That's okay -- maybe the trees will become sentient and learn how to ride.

Needless to say, the folks on Next Door Neighbor Dot Com haven't been this bent out of shape since someone shot off some fireworks in their backyard, talking about the bikes attracting excess traffic and -- you guessed it -- the wrong elements to their otherwise bucolic neighborhoods, but mostly about the loss of surface parking. Hey, when you're making a socialism omelette, sometimes you have to break a few gas-powered eggs! 

No word on when the mandatory spandex distribution will begin, but we’ll be first in line, the end.

Update: A Confidential Restonian Operative sent us a cellular telephone photo of the objects being delivered to one Reston neighborhood.



  1. I took a gander at the one they just put up on Lake Newport Dr ... the cot to rent those is pretty steep. Maybe the price includes rental gently-used spandex.

  2. These communist policies are ruining our country, I will go out there and shoot these damn commie bicycles with my .38 special

    1. I unironically wouldn't mind if you did this.

    2. Only if he turns it on himself after.

  3. These communist polices is what will bring this country to ruin, I recommend the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking" by contemporary American Philosopher Norman Vincent Peel to understand why communism is invading our precious nation!


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