News and notes from Reston (tm).

Monday, October 31, 2016

Live, Work, Play, Die: The Obligatory Terrifying Halloween Post


On this, the spookiest day of the year, our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, made a shocking discovery: After never having a cemetery of its own, a new development just might change that:

We're not dead, we're just Reston.

Well now, fellow New Towners, you can be both!

Whilst on his perambulations through the nether regions of Less Sought After South Reston, the Peasant happened upon our fair burb's first cemetery. True, just like those pop-up stores on the plaza of Comstock's awesome Willie Reston Station, it's only going to be here for a little while, but still...


A few take-away observations:

• A little more upscale branding is definitely in order. Keeping in line with those ever so trendy vowel-less places like the VY and the BLVD, we suggest taking out all those pesky E's and the like. Just call it R CRS CMTRY. There, looks better already.

• The R CRS CMTRY proprietors do, however, have the appropriate corporate logo. We love the symbolism of the vulture, the perfect corporate mascot of other fine companies doing business here such as Northwestern Mutual, Boston Properties, and the like.

• Although the cemetery plot, at approximately 12 square feet, is only 0.03 acres, it no doubt has already been identified by Cathy Hudgins and fellow BoS colleagues as a future site for high density residential redevelopment. Keeping in line with Reston's very, very exciting future as a transit-oriented development community, plans are presumably already in the work for a 30-story high-rise condo on this site. Let the cemetery go the way of brutalist concrete masterpieces, stucco wasteland retail centers, and the like. Admittedly, the 0.03 acre footprint of this plot will limit the number of condos to one per floor and the size of each condo to 12 square feet, but for millennials striding forth into the big wide world after a prolonged stay in the old folks' basement, one's first place of their own doesn't get any better than this.

• Finally, see that fire hydrant behind R CRS CMTRY? What better site to relocate the contentious dog park from Baron Cameron Park so that the swells living nearby can finally have some peace and quiet?

Reston: thanks to R CRS CMTRY, we can now have it all without leaving town. Live. Work. Play. Die.

North of the Toll Road, we're also happy to report that Reston is as trendy as ever. Following the breathlessly covered catastrophe of shark attacks clowns scaring people nationwide, a teevee news person spotted a particularly menacing clown within striking distance of the Metro station:

Ronald McD

Won't someone think of the children commuters?

Finally, two Reston authors have come up with the seasonally appropriate Myths & Monsters of Reston, Virginia: The Phenomenal and Frightening Findings of Dr. Padraigin W. Thalmeus, Pds.We haven't been given the opportunity to review the book, but if there's no DRB Demon within its pages, we'll be very disappointed, the end.

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