Another Friday, Another Long Line for a Massively Hyped, Ultimately Unsatisfying Consumer Experience To Momentarily Distract From Soul Crushing Existential Anguish (aka Lottery Fever!)

Confidential Restonian Operative "The Paper Army" shares this exciting photo of consumers residents lined up to purchase fancy new iPads. No, wait, that was two Fridays ago. This time people are indirectly subsidizing cash-strapped Virginia schools through their embrace of state-sanctioned gambling in the form of lottery tickets purchased from the Old Reston Avenue 7-11, all in the vain hopes of hitting a half-billion dollar jackpot and finally being able to leave behind aging earth-toned homes with illegal red mulch in the yard and the traffic-clogged Toll Road and the decent-paying but vaguely dull job strapping bombs to dolphins "consulting" for the government and the occasional night out at a midscale chain dining emporium in our (for now) Triffid-free simulacrum of an authentic urban experience, finally throwing it all away and moving to a private island where they can paint their new mansions with the fancy car elevator whatever freaking color they want to, maybe hiring the local ununionized tradesmen to apply a shockingly new color of paint to the virgin rainforest wood exterior of the polo barn every week just because they can, before retiring for a relaxing money fight in the indoor jai alai arena.

Or alternately: Microwaved beef burritos!