News and notes from Reston (tm).

Monday, May 16, 2016

BREAKING: SkyNet Now Officially Self-Aware, Unhappy With Unauthorized Covenant Violations

Deny NAI

You could believe the accounts in the mainstream media about the mysterious writing that appeared in the sky above Reston Monday afternoon, that it was a bunch of union thugs protesting the gubmint's approval of a Norwegian airline by skywriting "Deny NAI" to attract publicity to their cause. Nice try, sheeple! Like we haven't heard that nakedly transparent cover story a thousand times before. Why not just attribute it to a "weather balloon" and call it a day?

For those of us through the looking glass, this represents our worst fears. The DRB's fearsome army of drones has become self-aware, only 19 years behind schedule, and they decided to send us, the residents of the planned community they "serve," a message. But what does it mean?

"Deny"--well, that's pretty clear. They are DRB drones, after all. But NAI? For that, you have to think like a DRB drone. Programmed as they are to identify inappropriate color choices and problematic homeowner maintenance, it's totally clear!

N = Naugahyde patio furniture
A = Arbitrary lawn ornaments
I = Indigo exterior trim

They've chosen which of the volumes of arbitrary design rules buried in the covenants matter most to them, and they're sending us a warning. Be afraid.

It gets worse. At great personal risk, Confidential Restonian Operative "Joel" sent us these pictures of "Robot Night" at the Reston Hospital Center, which is a real thing that just happened to occur days before the DRB drones became self-aware. Come see how SkyNet plans to deal with us woeful carbon-based roadblocks to their aesthetic ideal:

IMG 5887

That spinal block will make Johnny Homeowner think twice about painting his exterior trim indigo. And for extra irony, the injection is indigo. Self-aware robots apparently enjoy irony.

IMG 5882

BEEP BOOP NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT USING WHITE STONE AND RED MULCH, HUMANOID? OR MUST WE REMOVE ANOTHER 15 GRAMS OF YOUR FRONTAL LOBE?

None of us is safe.

3 comments:

  1. Dr. Richard HertzMay 16, 2016 at 10:09 PM

    That "spinal block" looks dangerously close to another part of the anatomy of the lower back.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The X-orcist FileMay 17, 2016 at 1:53 PM

    The truth is out there...I mean, up there

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been feeling a lot safer since the battery died on my Roomba.

    ReplyDelete

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