News and notes from Reston (tm).

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pirates of Lake Anne: RA Reserves Right to Board Your Illegal Booze Barge


Apparently, the placid lakes that dot our beloved beige community aren't quite what they seem. Along with your friends and neighbors out for a leisurely paddle in a kayak or perhaps enjoying a glass of wine in their booze barge deck boat, there are n'er-do-wells who might exceed "80 pounds of thrust" or have less than "7 cubic feet of float material for each 10 square feet of deck."

It's pretty much the equivalent of being at the mercy of the open seas. The HOA version of the Barbary pirates might even violate the "no wake zone" policy, at least if you consider the tiny ripples a 3-horsepower electric motor can generate at full throttle a "wake." But fear not, nervous boatsmen! The RA has, as they say in the movies, a plan -- or at least a nifty new set of boating regulations (PDF). But don't take our word for it, see what the policy itself says:


So many questions. Along with the DRB drones, is the RA secretly developing a fleet of high-speed stealth boats to send boarding parties, clipboards in hand, to confront illicit deck boats that are "nailed together," instead of being "screwed or bolted" as required on the fourth page of the boating regulations?

At great personal risk and expense, we've managed to catch a glimpse of the RA's impressive skunkworks. Please to be enjoying the grainy footage:

   
 We don't know about you, but this has convinced us to stop flaunting the rules. No more inflatable boats with fewer than "3 separately inflated chambers" (p. 5) for us!

Update: Confidential Restonian Operative "Arrr" shared this image of what an RA boarding party just might look like:


And our favorite correspondent,  The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, was so moved by the RA's derring-do that he drafted the soon-to-be implemented RA Hymn:

From the Halls of Montessori
To the shores of Triple Crown
We fight our RA's battles
On Lakes Audubon, Thoreau, and Anne
First to fight for mauve and ecru
And to keep the Snakeden clean
We are proud to claim the title
Of earth-toned RA Marine!


7 comments:

  1. Peasant From Less Sought After South RestonJuly 16, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    From the Halls of Montessori
    To the shores of Triple Crown
    We fight our RA's battles
    On Lakes Audubon, Thoreau, and Anne
    First to fight for mauve and ecru
    And to keep the Snakeden clean
    We are proud to claim the title
    Of earth-toned RA Marine

    ReplyDelete
  2. I could just see the RA patrolling the lakes with a cigarette boat right out of Miami Vice -- only tasteful earth tones instead of neon pastels, please.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you mean "flouting the rules."

    ReplyDelete
  4. All hands to repel RA boarders!

    https://a.disquscdn.com/uploads/mediaembed/images/2246/958/original.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  5. Meanwhile, in other exciting maritime news, Cathy Hudgins has announced that through the H-1 visa program she is sponsoring 100 Somali pirates to move to Reston to teach the RA advanced ship boarding skills. The curriculum will include such topics as how to avoid being washed overboard by high-powered hoses on the target ship, how to evade wake turbulence when pontoon boats make high-speed evasive maneuvers, and how to spot members of Seal Team Six.

    "We unfortunately have a shortage of American citizen pirates," Supervisor Hudgins explained. "I am pleased that, by bringing in these foreign workers who possess highly specialized skills, this initiative is a win-win for all sides. "As a member of the Board of Supervisors, there is of course nothing I can do about rampant over-development, overcrowded schools, and gridlocked traffic, but I am pleased to be able to help the RA with this important maritime safety issue."

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  6. Captain Philips, the sad part is that it actually doesn't take too great a leap of imagination to see your scenario happening.

    ReplyDelete

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