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Thursday, October 23, 2014

Watergate 2014: How Did Water from Reston Lakes Wind Up in Nashville? An EXCLUSIVE Restonian Investigation

GaylordThis photo isn't some futuristic vision of the Lake Anne Village Center, ca. 2414, but rather the present-day Gaylord Opryland convention center in Nashville. Nice, right? It ought to be -- it turns out its owners borrowed some of Reston's precious fluids to create their Venice of the south. Our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, has the details:

On a recent swing through Dixie as far south as Tennessee and Mississippi, the Peasant and his better half stumbled upon incontrovertible evidence proving forever Reston's contribution to Western civilization. While in Nashville, source of some of the greatest country western lyrics ever written, such as this ditty perfect for a hapless DRB petitioner -- "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" -- the Peasant stopped at the Gaylord Opryland. A combination hotel, convention center, and current home of the Grand Ole Opry, this sprawling complex under glass-roofed atria even features an indoor waterway coursing through lush vegetation.

Examining a series of bronze plaques by this Grand Canal of the South, the Peasant was so stunned by something he observed as to nearly stagger backwards into his grits. When this section of Opryland opened in July 1996, two-ounce containers of H2O from 1,700 different bodies of water were ceremoniously blended together and then poured into the waterway. Blinking back tears of joy and disbelief, the Peasant observed that joining the contents of such aquatic luminaries as the Mediterranean, the River Jordan, the Rio Grande, and the Mississippi were the precious bodily fluids of...Lake Thoreau and Lake Newport. Ol' Virginny was also represented by, among others, a certain "Lake Accofink" as well.
Lakes
We are relieved to know that Reston offered up its best and brightest 'aqua pura' before those waters were sullied forever by dead doggies capsizing overboard during Viking funerals, criminal masterminds dumping high-class hooch out of their getaway canoes, and stand-up paddle boarders probably doing #1 when they thought nobody was looking. Be proud, Reston, be proud!
You may wonder why Lake Anne wasn't included. We're guessing it's because the water raiders came during the dry season, when the golf course and the jet-age air conditioning system were making that noise a toddler makes when they get to the bottom of their sippy cups. As for why Lake Audobon was overlooked? Two words: hellscape mutants, the end.

6 comments:

  1. How could they omit the best-named body of water in Virginia (as judged by 8th grade boys), Lickinghole Creek?

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    1. I dunno... the "Dismal Swamp" has pretty awesome name.

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  2. The above article is very true... Except it omit the fact that the Delta River no longer contains the water listed on the plaques. The 2010 Nashville Flood that almost destroyed the resort washed your Restonian water away into the nearby Cumbland River. The current water is mostly tap, with a few rivers from Tennessee waterways thrown in for good measure.

    BTW, the small 2-ounce bottles that were sent out in 1996 were in fact Jack Daniels bottles. Gaylord Opryland is home to the only Jack Daniels Saloon in existence.

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    1. Peasant From Less Sought After South RestonOctober 24, 2014 at 9:41 PM

      Damn! If only I had known. I could have brought with me water from the five Great Lakes of Reston to rechristen Gaylord Opryland with our precious bodily fluids.

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  3. As well as "Lake Accofink" there is the "Shennadoah River".

    Spell check must not have been working on their bronze plaque engraver.

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