News and notes from Reston (tm).

Monday, July 19, 2010

Meanwhile, in the Other Other Other Anti-Reston: The Beast is Back

Black-Tailed-Prairie-Dog-5108.jpgThe Peasant from Less Sought-After South Reston writes in with terrifying news about our earth-toned community's doppelganger across the pond -- and by "pond," we still don't mean "Lake Thoreau." Not only has Reston, Berwickshire still not been named the #2 place to live in the U.K., its most terrifying resident has returned:

Whilst once more perusing the "w.w.w." set of tubes, I discovered big news in one of the alternate universe Restons.  Our wee cousins across the pond in bonnie Scotland report another sighting of the dreaded "Beast of Berwickshire".  And appropriately enough, it was spotted by an inhabitant of our Celtic doppelganger Reston.  

All the breathtaking details can be found in the Berwickshire News "news-paper." Here's the top of the story:

A MYSTERIOUS animal has reared its giant guinea pig-like head, four years after The Berwickshire News first reported sightings of a similar-sounding creature.

In 2006 motorist Mark Pentecost saw what looked like a large guinea pig sitting in the middle of the road near Eyemouth. And last week a Reston woman said a similar animal crossed in front of her car, on the Chirnside to Auchencrow road.

Joyce McLean and her daughter Louise were almost at Oldcastles Farm at around 10.30pm on Sunday, June 27, when they spotted the animal they believe to be a capybara - the world's largest rodent.

"We knew it was something strange as soon as it crossed in front of the car," Joyce said. "I knew I had seen something similar in the paper before and when we got back I looked in the archives - it was just the same as Mr, Pentecost said, like a giant guinea pig. 
But there's more! At great personal risk to himself, the Peasant has learned that the Beast has received an H-1 work visa, allowing him to work as a security guard at the new RA Headquarters once it opens next week. Here's a picture of one of its top secret training sessions in an undisclosed, but apparently appropriately earth toned location:


We feel safer already.


  1. The multitude of woodchucks and groundhogs living in and around Ridge Heights Road in the immediate vicinity of the South Lakes High School varsity softball field have contacted their Congressman "Bucktooth" Jim Moran for his immediate introduction of legislation to impose an immigration quota on rodenta from the Old Heberdies!

    They are opposed to the permenant change to America's unique identity by undocumented vermin chattering in a Scottish burr.

    "If they want to live here, they've got to learn to speak our language!"

    They have also contacted Delegate Ken Plum to introduce legislation in the General Assembly prohibiting the intermating of Scottish and American wood chucks and groundhogs.

    "Would you want your daughter marrying one of them?"

    The locals have also called on Cathy Hudgins to pass zoning ordinance amendments to only allow new burrows to be constructed that are 10x more expensive than the existing burrows behind the left field fence.

    "We oppose all public burrows for undocumented groundhogs from Scotland!"

  2. Come on, everyone. Quit badgering the poor critter.

  3. I wonder if they eat Japanese stilt grass. We should find out.

  4. I wonder if they eat deer. We should definitely find out.

  5. I think he has a future with TSA.

  6. Surely enough, Cathy Hudgings has offered him a section 8 voucher and he's been put on a list for affordable housing.

  7. 12:25 There hasn't been a new Section 8 certificate issued in Reston in 5 years. The waiting list is longer than the one for tickets to the local NFL team.

  8. Good. The county should start selling all of their properties. In times of tight budgets and deficits they should get rid of programs were they waste taxpayer money and you see no added value. All the properties the county owns don't pay taxes, which increase the taxes for everyone else. If sold, the county can produce income out of these properties if taxed to individuals and shorten the gap they have. What happened to all those funds they said they had 4-5 years ago during the boom? You would see how they praise the surplus. Now everything is a crisis for them.

  9. What is a Capybara doing in Scotland lol!?


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