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RESTON TOWN CENTER (April 1, 2017) -- Building on the critically acclaimed implementation of enhancements to customer safety and convenience through the introduction of paid parking, Reston Town Center today announced it has further enhanced its offerings to merchants, residents, and customers by building a protective barrier around the elite outdoor shopping mall. The protective barrier will "enhance the customer experience by not allowing parking scofflaws, protestors, cars, litigious attorneys, poors, or anyone else, really, into the Town Center," said friendly public relations specialist Crisis McCrisistown. "It will provide a first-class elite experience for those who will remain inside, perhaps for a prolonged period of time."
In response to a small number of disaffected merchants who claim that the protective barrier has reduced sales and store traffic by 100 percent, McCrisistown scoffed. "Scoff," he said. "It's merely typical seasonal traffic patterns you see in retailing. Some merchants are doing quite well. The new 'pop-up' store selling food, water, matches, and blankets literally sold out in minutes."
Nor will Reston Town Center will rest on its laurels. As part of "giving back" to the community, a small percentage of the paid parking fees already collected will be reinvested in soundproofing, so Reston residents will no longer have to hear the muffled cries for help of customers enjoying a prolonged elite world-class experience inside the hermetically sealed Town Center. And the developers of the award-winning ParkRTC app are already at work on another smartphone application that will allow a select number of especially elite customers to enter, and perhaps leave, the Town Center. Named after the crisis management team's beloved office cat, the "Checkpoint Charlie" app will dynamically score potential entrants' FICO scores and propensity to comment on news sites before allowing customers to enter a 97-digit passcode to request entry. To exit, customers need only recite the 97-digit code from memory to RTC's friendly paid parking ambassadors; those who forget the 93rd or 94th digit will be helpfully reeducated in RTC's elite corporate training center.
In related news, Bow Tie Cinemas has announced it will be screening the John Carpenter classic, Escape From New York.