News and notes from Reston (tm).

Friday, September 11, 2015

Shiny New 'International Tower' Same Old Mauvescraper


Wow, what is this shiny new "International Tower at Reston Heights" all the cool kids marketing brochures are talking about? Well, apparently it has a Story To Tell:


Oh, wait. It's just the same old black-cubed modernist monolith, deliberately built atop the tallest hill in Reston, that must have frightened the bejeezus out of the simple Western Fairfax folk of the early 1970s when it first rose towards the sky. Tain't natural, Lenore! Grain elevators supposen'd to be silver!

Yes, the Reston International Center is getting a sweeet refresh and a rebrand as new hawtness prepares to pop up around it. Our favorite correspondent, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston, managed to secure this exciting positioning document, which we share here:
After the Peasant activated deep-cover assets in his espionage network (code-named "Bumpkin"), covert operative Mata Hari passed along a Top Secret/SCI document she had procured about Reston's most awesome new real estate development. 
It's filled with the usual high-falutin' language and pictures of Yuppies and Millennials in live-work-play mode (they talk about "closing the deal on the golf course" or "taking a mind-clearing walk" -- very Orwellian, that one!) 
Mata Hari reports that there are even plans afoot for some fancy-schmanzy "white tablecloth restaurant" on the ground floor of the building. So who needs the culinary delicacies from the departed tenants there such as Chili's or 7-11. To hell with the Big Gulp -- we're getting us some upscale dining!
Let's dive in, shall we?


"An 'iconic asset'? the Peasant asks. "I thought it was just an office building. Silly me."


"Transforming Work-Life Balance." Translation: Biking to work in a business suit after discovering the Silver Line is single-tracking, then celebrating a long day's work strapping bombs to dolphins stone cold contracting with the finest carbs a fancy midscale chain eatery can provide. La dolce vita Vienna!


"Comic gold stock photos," the Peasant observes, correctly. Aside from the awkward Tinder date  already in progress halfway down the page, nothing is more poignant than the thought that the golf course just might outlast the rebrand. "And where did the duffer get those God-awful plaid shorts, which are reason enough to plow under Reston National?" the Peasant adds.


"Is it just me, or does that map resemble J.R.R. Tolkien's map of Mordor with the dark Tower of Barad-Dur rising above all?" the Peasant asks. "But where's the all-seeing eye of Sauron? Oh, right, in the RA covenants office."


Yep, more biking. At least they realize that it's going to be impossible to drive down Sunrise Valley once the second new Metro station opens. And the Peasant spotted something in the fine print:
God, or the devil, is in the details. Note the fine print at bottom: "All renderings are conceptual and subject to change." Keep your fingers crossed; instead of the "Heights Bistro" we might yet get -- you guessed it -- The Macaroni Grill! We can only hope.

4 comments:

  1. La dolce Vienna -- brilliant. Linguistically incorrect, but brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  2. . . . would be a great place for a zip-line. You could bolt your bike to it and ride over the golf course like that old King's Dominion ride. DAWSUM! With singing mushrooms and banjo-frogs at the end. Black Tower . . . Dominion?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I Got 'Dem Planned Community Blues AgainSeptember 11, 2015 at 9:45 PM

    More bullshit from the real estate industry. Wonder who exactly is going to fill all that space (and when?) especially with the hautness of Town Center and all that other semi-vacant space around here practically within spitting distance?

    ReplyDelete
  4. South Lakes SurvivorSeptember 28, 2015 at 1:37 PM

    I think we need a tram system.

    ReplyDelete

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