News and notes from Reston (tm).

Friday, January 18, 2013

Tired of Reston? Love Firearms? Have We Got A Planned Community For You!

Citadel.pngReceived one too many warning letters about the condition of your window trim? Thinking about getting out of Reston before it becomes another Manhattan Ballston transit-oriented development? Well, have we got the place for you!

Welcome to The Citadel, "a developing community of Patriots in the mountains of Idaho" who are united around one core principle: "There will be no HOA." Instead, there will be firearms. Lots and lots of firearms.

The Citadel Community will house between 3,500 and 7,000 patriotic American families who agree that being prepared for the emergencies of life and being proficient with the American icon of Liberty — the Rifle — are prudent measures. There will be no HOA. There will be no recycling police and no local ordinance enforcers from City Hall.
Sounds great! Tell us more about the "American icon of liberty," pls:
We have already launched III Arms, a modern firearms company that will help employ the first wave of III Pioneers. III Arms is also unique in the world of firearms companies in that all profits generated are donated to the Citadel to help build our community.
Sounds… suspiciously socialistic. But set up a firing range, and it sounds like they've got the Live, Work, and Play(tm) thing all figured out.

There may not be an HOA, but unlike our namby-pamby local officials, what with their "charettes" and interminable task forces with unpronounceable acronyms, the Citadel folks know how to throw together an awesome master plan, complete with a fake downtown town center, a firearms museum, and, of course, the gun factory. Check it:

map.jpg

OF COURSE the community is surrounded by walled fortifications to protect residents from the Other threats to their liberty:
The Towers and Curtain Wall providing the town's primary perimeter defense will be inaccessible to tourists. Each Tower will house condos. Each neighborhood within the walls will have lower defensive walls, dividing the town into defensible sections/neighborhoods.
Also, the "Patriot agreement" requires every family to stockpile weapons and at least 1,000 rounds of ammunition, as well as be sure to be packing heat whenever they visit the Town Center. That'll be one jumpy set of "geniuses" at the Citadel Apple store.

If you haven't allowed yourself to be swept away by a fantasy of street-to-street small arms fire, you may be wondering to yourself, what will my Dream Home of Liberty look like?
All homes will be built of poured concrete for exceptional strength and durability. Your home will be built to your specs (details available at this website) with utilities stubbed to the interior. You select the facade for the exterior of your home. You are responsible for completing the interior of your home as you wish. You may choose to do the work yourself, or hire contractors. But every single detail, from paint to tiles to counters, is your choice."
We can't wait to build our own mauve concrete house. But! There's one small catch:
Each neighborhood will have similar housing for visual uniformity and aesthetic appeal.
Sigh. LIBERTY CRUSHED. Guess you can take the HOA out of the planned community, but you can't take the planned community out of the HOA.

If you can live within those constraints, there's a handy application form here. Be warned, however. This disclaimer is posted prominently on the Citadel's homepage:
Marxists, Socialists, Liberals, and Establishment Republicans may find that living within our Citadel Community is incompatible with their existing ideology and preferred lifestyles.
"Marxists, Socialists, Liberals, and Establishment Republicans" pretty much sums up Reston in a nutshell, so if you feel compelled to apply, we offer this Pro Tip: put down your current town name as Herndon.

You're welcome.

Update: Noted HOA aficionado Steven Colbert also recently stumbled across the anti-Reston:


18 comments:

  1. Peasant From Less Sought After South RestonJanuary 18, 2013 at 10:40 AM

    Some random thoughts

    1. Someone in Idaho has seen one episode too many of NBC's apocalyptic program "Revolution".

    2. "My Own Private Idaho" now has a new meaning.

    3. Between the outer wall, the inner wall, the interior defensive walls, the watchtowers, and the armed populace, Bambi ain't got a chance. Sign me up!

    4. Rename it LaPierreville with the motto "Live Work Shoot Reload".

    ReplyDelete
  2. That town map looks like something from a D&D campaign I played in when I was 15.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll be purchasing my +3 AR-15 of liberty at the Wizard's tower!

      Delete
    2. Hah, your feeble weapon is no match for my Flak Jacket of Bullet Repelling.

      Delete
    3. Gary Gygax's GhostJanuary 18, 2013 at 10:40 PM

      "Additionally, we plan on forming our own bank that will issue Citadel coins in silver and gold."

      They even have gold pieces and silver pieces. So you can buy your iron rations and boots, high, hard and symbol, holy.

      Delete
  3. Take note that on the "revenues" page of The Citadel's website, there is a list of features including CANALS. Very forward-thinking, if you ask me. That way when the eventual toll-road construction bisects the community, they will still be able to travel between the non-existent lakes.

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  4. It might serve a useful purpose if all the over-the-top gun nuts locked themselves up in a single place!

    For the rest of us: No new gun regs required, no expensive enforcement of gun regs, safer homes/streets/businesses, etc. Self-selection at its finest!

    How can we encourage The Citadel's success????

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't see a firing range. Where do Cidateloli go to practice? Or do they just put out bait for Liberals and pot them from the towers?

    ReplyDelete
  6. There's a reason there's no HOA. In a community this armed to the teeth, covenant enforcement would have to be carried out by tactical airstrikes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG! LOL!

    This sounds like something from the Onion. Is it for real?

    With luck, all the gun nuts will move there and wall themselves in, and the rest of us can breathe free again, and not have to worry about maniacs with guns killing children and so many other people any more.

    And what about the children of the gun nuts? They wouldn't have freedom or a normal life.

    In his poem Mending Wall, Robert Frost wrote "before I built a wall, I'd ask to know what I was walling in or walling out".

    Walling in so much paranoia and social pathology will only make it worse.



    ReplyDelete
  8. Peasant From Less Sought After South RestonJanuary 18, 2013 at 5:43 PM

    The Onion couldn’t make this stuff up if it tried. Take a look at the Citadel’s “Patriot Agreement”. Among other things, quoting here verbatim:

    “Every able-bodied Patriot aged 13 and older governed by this Agreement shall annually demonstrate proficiency with the rifle of his/her choice by hitting a man-sized steel target at 100 yards with open sights at the Citadel range. Each Resident shall have 10 shots and must hit the target at least 7 times.”

    “Every able-bodied Patriot of age within the Citadel will maintain one AR15 variant in 5.56mm NATO, at least 5 magazines and 1,000 rounds of ammunition.”

    “Each household will provide ONE able-bodied Patriot (aged 13 or older) who shall muster one Saturday per month for Martial/Support Training for neighborhood-level training & musters, as set forth by the Militia Commanders of the Community.”

    “Twice annually a full-scale Town Defense Drill will be held for all households and all residents (once in winter weather & once in summer weather).”

    And in their FAQ section for prospective residents:

    Q: "Won't The Federal Government or Military Simply Blow Up Your Town?"

    A: "Why would they? We are a law-abiding group of people minding our own business. We are conducting our affairs in an open and transparent manner. The Citadel Community is designed to be a safe haven and a major tourist destination. The U.S. Government does not make a habit of blowing up law abiding citizens and tourists on American soil.”

    Glad we got that straightened out! Hey, the DRB doesn’t look so bad after all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So if you are an uncoordinated 14 year old, or one with bad eyesight, and you don't hit that target 7 out of 10 times -- what happens? You get evicted from the community?

      Delete
  9. I for one am going to engage in land speculation becasue:

    "In practice, like-minded individuals and families will choose to settle the surrounding areas because they are drawn toward our ideals and our goals. The corridor between the Citadel and the nearest town or highway will become prime real estate."

    ReplyDelete
  10. When denizens of Citadel, Id talk SPORTS, they won't be fretting about RG III's knees; they'll be reviewing the most effective way of clearing a jam in an M-16: Slap, Pull, Observe, Release, Tap, Shoot.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This has got to be a put-on, right? Or just right-wing?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I get that requiring every citizen to be armed to the teeth might make them less reliant on the local sheriff, but what will they do when there's a fire? Shoot at it?

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  13. I googled John Parker because I didn't know who he was. Turns out he was a Minuteman. Given Herndon's recent history, maybe they should build the Citadel there.

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  14. ""Marxists, Socialists, Liberals, and Establishment Republicans" pretty much sums up Reston in a nutshell . . ." You've got that right.

    ReplyDelete

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