Grab your Debbie Gibson albums and set the controls of the Earth-Toned Wayback Machine to 1988. While the Cold War would rage on for yet another year, a longstanding, equally undeclared war in Reston was about to get
hot.
On one side, the Reston Association, with its formidable arsenal of pickup trucks and snowplows and... other stuff with wheels. On the other? A family of beavers.
"Problem-solving prowess" is something we haven't heard since... our last resume. Still waiting on that call for an interview, BTW! But hold on tight, 'cuz stuff was about to
get real.
First, in a daring gambit borrowed from the Cuban Missile Crisis, the RA must have used an
earlier generation of aerial drones to obtain this damming (get it?) photo:
Then at the 11th hour, crisis was averted and a compromise was reached: the RA wound up building a culvert and spillway "to keep the water level in the dammed area stable but low." The beavers were allowed to stay, but some of their offspring were
sent to Siberia, or at least Herndon "moved to another location."
Of course, beavers remain a scourge in south Reston
to this day. So with the benefit of hindsight, the
man homeowners association vs. nature skirmish was played to a draw. If only the RA had tapped into the best computing power available in the 1980s, they could have learned this valuable lesson ahead of time:
Flashbacks:
The RNGC Caddyshackpocalypse
Bollards!
Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the beaver last night?
ReplyDeleteJune, I couldn't find that beaver you're always talking about because it must be hiding somewhere in that bushy area.
ReplyDeleteYou can just tell that Langston Hughes is out for summer, can't you?
ReplyDeleteGosh, Mom and Dad, you guys are swell, but you're acting really goofy! If Eddie Haskell was talking that way, you'd really clobber the kook!
ReplyDeleteHey, where's Beaver, anyway?
Gee, Ms. Cleaver, your hair looks pretty today. Is that a new dress?
ReplyDeleteWhat do you say to a Beaver with two black eyes?
ReplyDeleteNothing. You already tried telling him twice.
What, somebody wanted Langston Hughes? OK, serving up a bit of doggerel (or would that be beaverrel?), and no, I'm not giving up my day job or applying for the position of Poet Laureate.
ReplyDeleteThe Beaver In The Glade Stream, or
"The Ballard of Bucky Beaver"
There were once a beaver living in the Glade streambed
until the RA finally took notice and exasperatedly said
"Stop swimming little circles and hiding in the muck,
you wascally critter, you're now rodent out of luck!"
You see, with his shiny orange teeth and furry little paws
Bucky Beaver had found some nice big oaks to gnaw
The RA watershed manager took one look and said, "Oh dear, oh dear!
Soon no more forest, thanks to Mother Nature's hydraulic engineer!"
So as the standoff between man and beast grew more tense
the RA built an aesthetic earth-toned, DRB-approved fence
The workmanship, however, was a wee bit of a blunder
because Bucky tore it asunder and just crawled out from under
But Bucky started to think, "There's got to be more to life than cutting sticks,
(which I only do since the DRB says I can't build my lodge with bricks).
I get the hint, and I've learned my lesson:
There's no future for me here in Reston."
"I'd be a natural at baseball, and it's a sport I love.
With those paws of mine, I'm a shoo-in for the Gold Glove!"
So giving Reston a middle claw salute, off to the Big Apple he went
Where he joined the New York Yankees and changed his name to Bucky Dent.
The meter needs some work, but it was indeed a great effort. Poetry is da bomb.
DeleteGreat job, Peasant!
ReplyDelete(The Java Master nods knowingly in approval.)
My RA-engineered Reston White Trash Locator App for iPhone continues to confirm by GPS that Reston's most Eager Beavers of the single varierty can be found most any evening at Champps Americana Restaurant Sports Bar and Grill in Plaza America.
ReplyDeleteInterestly, Reston's most Eager Beavers of the married variety can be found at Plaza America, too...shopping for craft supplies at Michael's.