News and notes from Reston (tm).

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Germans are Coming! The Germans are Coming!

Picture 1.jpgWhile those of us who live in Reston have long known what the Washington Post just discovered -- that not everyone who lives here is Morton's Steakhouse rich -- did you know that mixed in with all those undesirable poors are also uniformed troops from a foreign land?

No, really. Our favorite correspondent, the Peasant From Less Sought-After South Reston, weighs in with this harrowing eyewitness account:

Swapping his Indiana Jones fedora for Paul Revere’s colonial tri-corner, The Peasant From Less Sought After South Reston is raising the alarm for his fellow Restonites: Die Deutschen kommen! Die Deutschen kommen! The Germans are coming! The Germans Are Coming! Having recently revealed the secret truth of how the Cold War really ended, The Peasant now has uncovered yet another sinister, history-changing government cover-up from an even earlier era: World War II is actually not over yet, at least not here in the Reston Theater of Operations.

The Peasant came to this earth-shattering realization as he trudged through the yet to be napalmed, er, “restored” woods of the Glade Valley one dreary, rainy morning this week en route to work. He was shocked -- shocked -- to come across…a German Bundeswehr soldier in camouflage standing guard on one of the paths. Walking further, The Peasant soon encountered a German mechanized unit – well, not exactly a Panzer tank division, but rather another member of the Bundeswehr on a bicycle. We were then told at the bus stop by Confidential Informant Sy that German military planes have been observed sporadically at Dulles Airport. All in all, a very disturbing series of observations that cannot possibly be mere coincidence.

So…we suspect at least one dark chapter of World War II has remained hidden until this very day. Our working theory is that sometime around 1943 a German U-boat secretly made its way up Chesapeake Bay to insert on the western shore of the Potomac a special commando contingent whose orders were to establish the Wehrmacht’s Northern Virginia front. That unit has remained carefully hidden ever since in Targetville, unaware of the war’s end on V-E Day and emerging only sporadically to conduct training exercises in the Reston woods under the guise of an annual run.

With the Luftwaffe at Dulles and the Wehrmacht in Glade, a military operation seems imminent but we can only speculate about the ultimate target. Perhaps one clue can be found in the directional signs with arrows that this commando unit has scattered throughout the woods, all ultimately pointing towards Reston Town Center. We fear, alas, that a precision surgical strike indeed is in the works to take out the Macaroni Grill, thereby destroying citizen morale in our beloved New Town and forcing the white flag of surrender to be hoisted at 1830 Isaac Newton Square.

It’s the plot for a future Clive Cussler best-seller if ever there was one!
If you see a group of uniformed German troops milling about in the woods, don't panic. Just resist the urge to tell them that the radio was hidden in the coffeepot all along.


  1. I've seen the germans out there for a couple of years. Nothing new. And they've had a post out at Dulles for a while too. C'mon long have you lived here?

  2. I've been in Reston all my life and remember seeing these guys for years. They've got some sort of base/office space near the Wiehle Avenue park and ride.

  3. Yes and at that base/office space there is a German store where you can buy REAL gummy bears and other amazing Haribo treats.

  4. Real gummy bears? By chance do they have Ritter Sport chocolate? If the answer is yes, then I welcome our new German overlords.

  5. Anon @ 11:16
    I am not sure if they carry Ritter, as I have never been to the store myself. I have always given my gummy bear orders to a German colleague on a sugar rush mission.

  6. I've seen the German's out there for years. Now, if those guys would maintain some kind of a permanent presence along Reston's paths, maybe people would finally stop mugging each other out in the woods.

  7. The Convict in Gulag 4June 12, 2009 at 12:15 PM

    Are you sure they were with the GMR and not just some of my friends getting ready to play some pick-up paintball?

  8. Peasant From Less Sought After S RestonJune 12, 2009 at 12:45 PM

    Anonymous at 10:24:

    I've actually lived in our fair town for more than a decade and of course have seen the Germans before, but I've only recently started to contribute to Restonian, hence this post only appearing now.

    FYI, the office of the German Military Representative is located at 11150 Sunrise Valley Drive.

  9. God bless you...
    Me myself as a German soldier lived in your beautiful place from 1991 to 1992.
    Our Military Id was given as a original Pentagon ID Batch.
    At the Dulles Airport our Gouvernment arrives an get up to your policians.
    From Germany nearby Heidelber with a friendly smile Carsten Bredemeier proud to get to know yout marvellous town.

  10. I always throught it rather wonderful they they drove around with German license plates on their cars. Not even diplo-plates from our friends at State. I bet that goes down a _storm_ when the state troopers in Fauquier County pull over a BMW or an Audi doing 90 in the 55 zone.

  11. that is not correct. We all payed taxes and we had a virginia state plate. We also had an american driver license.
    Non of us was driving an BMW or an Audi.
    We drive Ford, Plymouth and Chrysler.
    ....and we lived in Reston not Fauquier County.


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