This week in crime: A little like Caddyshack, only with felony charges

Eight people were arrested for a series of burglaries -- 27 of them, to be exact -- affecting Darwinly-challenged Reston and Fair Oaks residents:

The alleged suspects targeted homes where victims had left their garage doors open. The suspects entered through the garages and removed sporting goods, primarily golf clubs.

So many things are wrong with this paragraph, we don't even know where to begin. But if you're not part of Reston's hoi polloi (meaning you have an actual garage instead of an awesome 70s carport), don't think your kid should have to associate with peers who might have played with Bratz dolls at some point, and lack enough common sense to close your friggin' garage door, there's some good news:

The Reston District station still has unclaimed property recovered from the burglaries. If you believe any of this property might belong to you, please call Detective Estess at 703-478-0904.

We're sure Mssr. Estess will speak nice and slowly if you call.